Punishment shots
Indian poker. Nice cards eh?
I love my friends so much. I wish happiness in all of their lives this new year.
I told myself not to drink but I still did, and because I really suck at all these poker card games I had to drink so many shots of vodka! It was so horrible. I was still fine for awhile but when I reached home I felt so tired I just wanted to crash. I forced myself to bathe though then I fell asleep on my wet hair, waking up at 8 this morning -_- So early...
Still it was great. And the new year is finally here. I am really happy actually.
2011 was just a totally depressing year for me, literally.
Everyone thought I was just some psychotic bitch who hears stuff and goes crazy by herself. But people also said that some time in your life you will go into depression and that is normal. Maybe 2011 was my year. I've never been so discouraged, so hopeless and so suicidal by the many many setbacks that I've faced last year. So much so that I shut myself out and think that everyone feels the same way about me. I started becoming so afraid of myself because in my mind my very own imagination paints a bleak future for me, and all I wanted to do was to escape and die.
Who knew how I got out of everything and lead a normal life now. For the past year, I've been wishing for a normal me. The me who wouldn't keep thinking about death. The me who would stop allowing myself punish myself, drown myself in these evil thoughts. 2011 has really taken the toll on me - it was seriously the worst year I can ever have in my life.
To make things worse, 2011 was a year where changes controlled my life. People came and left. I got closer to many people last year. I confided in them. I listened to them and I poured out my heart to them. Next thing I know, they left my life. They conveniently walked out of my life and now we are just 2 complete strangers. Of course being the low-confident Lyn, I blamed myself for their actions. It has to be me. Why else would all these people choose to walk out of my life?
Me me me again. Everything was me. So the self hate kicks in again. Nothing was right.
But of course, I have to thank these people (they could be reading this I don't know). Without them who showed me how toying with feelings and trust can really HURT, I wouldn't have known who were my true friends. Real, true friends. In life, you lose some but gain more. The people who stuck with me and unrelentingly helped me were my real friends. Maybe whatever they did to try to help me didn't work out (because I was a person who completely no faith at that time) but I am really grateful for them. I could never have made it out of the year without them by my side.
People who helped but still left eventually... I guess thank you too. I know it's tiring to try to help a person like me. When you grow tired, you get sick of it and all you wanna do is to throw me around like a living doll and allow me to be destroyed.
Faith... is a funny thing.
How do you become a person with no faith? It's when you have lost your purpose in life entirely and perhaps no one can save you at all. Then you lose all faith in everything. You believe in death.
Last year, I lost my faith. People tried to bring me to church in an attempt to help me. Failed. I kept telling myself that no one AT ALL will be able to help me. If they could, I would have been a normal person already isn't it? Then, I went against my parents' religion. That was a big mistake and also my biggest regret of the year.
One morning my parents were gonna bring me to the temple and I started insulting their, or supposedly MY religion. I insulted their religion, scolded all the gods, everything. My mum just stayed silent. I could actually remember how it felt. Everything happened too quick and I just let everything out of my mouth.
I still went to the temple with them later that day. The guilt in me was too much and I eventually let them all out. I cried and cried and cried at the temple. I just couldn't stop. I felt so guilty and so ashamed of myself for saying all those things. I picked myself up again and started believing in something. Something I must believe because my parents have raised me up to be inclined to think in that way. So I shouldn't sway from it. Even though right now I'm more into Buddhism hehehe.
I suffered in every single way in 2011, even my studies. Although this suffering will be brought to the new year (one particular day in March that determines my life in future), I am putting down all these sorrows and moving on. There is no point being sad about what has happened, in fact I am glad to have all these put behind me :)
It is inevitable to feel sad about life's evil nature, but we just have to make sure we can see the things that we can find joy in. Cheers to the new year! Happy 2012 everyone.
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