Falling Down

Now that the world's upside down, I'm heading straight for the clouds...

Insomnia again. I practically can't sleep every single night. Other nights I'll be busy counting useless UAS scores of the courses I want to get into then try to predict my results. But I never have the courage to write down the grades on solid paper like I did for O Levels. So what did I decide to do tonight? Check out forums like "retaking A levels?" or "anyone failed A Levels?" where everyone shared their A Level results. And most of them didn't do well. It didn't make me feel any better as I thought that I could one day be like any of them (since some of them were from AC too), posting my results online and mentioning how I've managed to flunk my A Levels. Why is it so easy to fail A Levels? And yet so simple, so easy for some to ace in it? Even though for the past weeks or so I've been reading up on every single possible course in the 3 local unis and trying to plan a route for myself after Friday even if it means I have to look at SIM courses, I cannot settle my heart until the reality strikes me. It is really painful and heartbreaking to think, or maybe realise the possibility of me failing and it is killing me. I think of a lot of things when I try to sleep. I can vaguely predict the look on AF's face and his killer words to me as he hands me my result slip. I can predict who goes on stage. I can predict my reaction. Why is it so scary? Because it's so real and everything is in my head I just can't seem to get rid of them. Then all the bad and torturing memories of every single day leading up to the end of A Levels come flashing back. The words AF said to me after my S papers that totally pierced through my heart ("I don't know what you've been doing, Lyn"). Bio results for terms and Karman Chua's look when he handed me the paper. Ms Yue driving me to tears during my Econs consult one week before As. My entire 2011 floods back into my mind and all the monsters the pain the tears and screams and scary thoughts which I'd tried to erase re-appear. Feel like I'm about to die yet again. Help.

Sorry just had to

Fucking fucking fucking fucking fucking fucking fucking little fucking fucking little fucking fucking fuckers

Matt Bellamy looking so charming @ Oscars~ Fine, Kate Hudson looks just as gorgeous...

It is official

My body shivered in fear throughout the entire day. Literally. It's extremely creepy I never knew I could shake like this, even right now as I'm typing this. Omfg

What a Sunday.

I might just not be this me without them.










Meet adorable Jack and Estee. I want a cat that I can name Neko!!!

I realise that I think about a lot of things at one time. It's too much to take, too much to process, too little energy to handle. I end up getting a massive headache. Over-think, extremely bad habit. I've always wished for life to be simple. It actually IS simple, isn't it? Why do I have to complicate things? Life is just... you succeed or you fail. Good or bad. Horrible or splendid. Happy or sad. There is no in between. Yet, my mind always makes me think that there is a balance between that success or failure that looms.

Impossible. Either I cry or I smile. There is no laughter behind tears.

Hating my life so much

It's lifeless, meaningless and pathetic.

猫のほうが好きです

I had something to blog about but I got so distracted by covers on YouTube and disgusting animal abuse pictures on FB it's now time for me to sleep. What is so nice about hurting animals?! Is it nice to skin your children alive or beat them to death?

I am currently broke without a job + paying for my own lessons with my pathetic pay last month. Yet, I just cannot settle for any of the jobs which I found right now because of my full time lessons. I haven't driven in more than 3 weeks and I'm pretty sure I've completely forgotten how to drive properly. Furthermore, my driving test is in another 5 weeks time. Wow what the hell am I doing in my life. And I have less than 2 weeks left to doomsday, so I've been spending my time looking at any possible uni opportunities/plans I may have from here on despite how reluctant I am to even think about it. Honestly my future is so bleak there isn't a path carved out for me to move on. It's so dark... I wanna just forget about everything for now and face reality 2 weeks later, but I just can't. I've been having minor panic attacks during daytime and trouble to sleep at night or waking up in the middle of the night with my heart racing really quickly and my pillow soaked in tears due to nightmares. I take comfort in food and retail therapy but these aren't gonna be any better because I gained back all the weight I lost while working and secondly... start reading this entire paragraph again.

The truth hurts?

I think this has always been my perception of what "love" is. Which is why I am so afraid of it, and it's so hard to imagine me having a future with somebody. Exactly how long can this honeymoon stage last?


 
This video made me cry T____T It's so touching.

I've never liked Selena Gomez and the fact that she is dating Justin Bieber makes me wanna care less about her. Right now, I adore her so much.

Tau huay issue

The next person who tells me that Lao Ban tau huay is the BEST tau huay on earth, I am going to punch him/her in the face.

I've always resisted blogging about this because it's such a subjective matter. It wasn't until my dream last night that I decided I have to talk about this lao-ban-is-damn-good-shit thing. Last night, I dreamt that I was at Tiong Bahru market and the famous soya bean curd old man (can't remember the name but it's pretty good) was telling me how people don't really appreciate traditional tau huay anymore. "Everyone goes to lao ban... They don't like the original ones anymore." He was very sad when he said those in Mandarin.

What the hell am I dreaming about right?!

Ok so I'm prolly the ONLY person who does not like Lao Ban tau huay. It's fine that people around me or my friends think that it's delicious while I think otherwise, but seriously guys? I think this is much more overrated than H&M opening in Singapore (this is highly irrelevant, but the same person who went OMG LAO BAN ROCKS THE BEST blah blah said H&M SUCKS and is totally overrated). Talk about overrated here. What is? This soya pudding? I don't think it's called bean curd anymore.

Like everyone else I was very excited about trying Lao Ban for the first time when my bro bought home for the family. I even took a picture of it (^) Everyone's telling me it's damn good so of course I was happy I could try it! (No need for me to queue somemore hehe) When I first tried it, my reaction was like... "Hmmm it's okay lor." It's just sweet soya pudding? It's very different from traditional types because it's smooth, no syrup and very soft. I mean it doesn't taste that bad, but I didn't like it either. My entire family didn't like it too because it's a tad too sweet.

It's not this that pisses me off, it's what almost everybody else thinks it's the BEST tau huay on earth and thinks I have no taste because I dislike it. Sigh. I just feel that these soya bean pudding-ish tau huay are getting more and more common and it's kinda sad. I really love the traditional tau huay where you can mix it up to become cui cui - these nowadays are so instant you can buy the mix from Sheng Shiong to make them yourselves. I know the real soya bean is bitter and awful-tasting despite being really nutritious. One thing about Lao Ban is they used the powder to make these tau huay everyone queues for for super long! (not really sure how true this is but my bro saw the packets of powder at the stall) If that's the case, where did all our admiration for the older generation, who grind the soya bean manually with their hard work go to? And they're forgotten or no longer "the best tau huay"?

It just makes me sad whenever someone goes crazy over Lao Ban, I know that there is one less supporter for these traditional tau huay we have in markets. Please visit Hong Lim hawker centre; my siblings and I have tried to find a tau huay stall there that is not pudding-ish and failed. Every stall sells soya pudding! Wanton mee there is delicious though. I think Chinatown has real good hawker food. I want my license asap to drive there for good food!

Anyway besides dreaming about this, I had a very horrifying dream about my A level results, AGAIN. It woke me up in the middle of the night with my heart was racing at some absurd rate and I was in tears. I could've died of heart attack, in my dream. I woke up before I could receive my results though. It was painful.

Spent the rest of the day suffering from minor panic attacks from time to time. This shit is real.

How's my hair?

One of the many things I did this week (platinum blonde fail) because of the emptiness I've been going through. Apart from binging excessively, I also burnt a huge hole in my wallet spending unnecessary money on makeup I don't even use or overpriced heels I don't usually wear. Walking aimlessly around malls can be both therapeutic and depressing.

When nun meets nun...

Fuck the fucking world. I don't give a fuck anymore

What am I?

I don't know what I am. What I'm feeling, why is this happening to me. I don't know anything at all.

This is how I spent V day

"相遇、相知、相许、相伴，是情人间的四大幸福步骤。
或许曾岔了路、偏了意，却仍需拥抱希望前行。幸福的微笑，是建立在自己身上，而不该奢求別人给予。无论你有沒有情人、无论你是快乐或悲伤，记得要努力对自己好一点喔!"




Surprise date was a success! Sorry KC for lying to you to help your boyfriend, I still feel guilty x10000 but still, it was a sweet and pleasant surprise! :) I hope you enjoyed tonight!







We're "together-alone"


I love them to bits!!






This here is my bitch. She fell asleep during an action film. Unbelievable! But yes I almost fell asleep too :/



This Valentine's Day is a little different. Besides hanging out with my best friends, it's my first Valentine's Day as an, adult.

For all my life beginning sec one, V Day morphed from candies and handwritten messages to friends, to baking cookies for some of my male friends/classmates, to giving out fake flowers/baking for my JC mates. I still remember receiving tulip plushies from Darryl and Wei Lun during sec 3; the 2 boys went out during lunch to get them for the girls in our clique :') and tulips from KC! I still display them by my window (read here by the way don't ask me who is the "you" in that post!)

And because I've never been attached before, I don't exactly know the real feeling of the type of love you get on Valentine's Day. It's always been love from my friends and classmates. I never actually thought that V Day is INDEED, a special day for couples. I've always had this impression that everyday is V Day for couples.

This was what I blogged last year:

Valentines Day 2
Valentines Day is a major event in ACJC. I don't get it though. There were posters, banners, balloons all around void deck, and they have this secret cupid system where you can secretly send gifts to someone else. They sell flowers, roses, lollipops, balloons for people to buy. I see people walk around with super AA balloons. It's kinda like they're promoting BGR or some sort. I think that Valentines Day is meant for those who like someone but not together/hasn't confessed. For singles, it's an ordinary day. Unless you get shot by cupid arrows like 10000x or if you got someone who confessed to you. For couples, everyday is Valentines Day. Meh.
I'm glad that I'm still single. Because I've been watching the people around me suffer in love. Somehow. Sometimes I wished I had someone always there though. I think it makes you happier but it brings a lot of sadness and responsibility too. I don't think I'm mature enough to handle all these, so I'm just really happy I'm not swept into it. Makes life easier.

But no, V Day is an extraordinary day.

Today, I watched 90% of Singapore population walking in pairs, holding bouquet of flowers. Even my jap classmates sent flowers to their girlfriends. My brother took his girlfriend out for a dinner, my sister received 2 bouquets of flowers from her boyfriend at her workplace this morning. It's seriously a lovers' paradise out there. Then I realised I have not seen this scene before because I was never in this adult world! Or never in love, in fact.

Half of me was filled with a little envy, and also a little joy looking at these happy lovebirds. The love in the air! Anyway I feel so loved with my friends and absolutely NOTHING can replace them :') Only disappointment today was prolly the cupcakes I baked. Fail :'( Shouldn't have given them out. And it doesn't help that I'm extremely sensitive towards other people's body language so much so that it kinda affected my mood. Well I guess I should just stick to cookies... T____T

This adult life is incredible.

I am still in disbelief that I am already in it. It's like *snap snap* lyn you're an adult now you gotta remember that. Reason being: my Jap course mates are pure adults and we actually had adult talk today. It's unbelievable to think that this day has come. Work, marriage, money - where the topic of "school" seemed like a faraway thing. We're ageing so quickly, this world is getting too surreal.

Will reality turn into dream? It's hard to differentiate. Doomsday is so near, it already happened in my sleep.

Hate this & I'll love you

Haven't felt so contended in a long time. :)

First jap lesson today after 2 years of hiatus. I felt really nervous initially because I've been too busy lately to revise on my work. My vocab suffered so much but other than that I really enjoyed today's jap lesson! This is fulfilling my long time dream. I really wish to master this language.

Sitting in my parents office now slacking even though I'm supposed to do some admin stuff. This is so tiring I feel like I'm about to doze off any moment in this chair...

It's valentine's day tomorrow. I'll always remember schooling days where I'd be frantically preparing gifts/notes or baking the day before for my friends and classmates. So far it's been the same for so many years. I have never gone on a date with a guy on V day but it doesn't matter because somehow I feel more love from my friends instead!


I: A new watch I bought from taka square. I love the slight vintage touch to it! II: Jap textbooks. III: I love percy piglets. IV: Planning my daily life with my planner. Busy busy busy.

Busy busy life.

19 days of Taka Square OVER! I survived!

Tomorrow I begin my hardcore lifestyle with full time Jap lessons and work (again). Endless amount of stuff to do in life huh? I'm just glad that my legs finally have some time to breathe and relax.

Doomsday is getting closer.

Pics from my A level study period:

Hurts

I'll sing of you, till it hurts.
Until it's just more notes and more words.
Though it still makes me cry, just one last time as I say goodbye.
A way to cope with the facts, to watch it burn, turn red into black.
- Hurts by Graham Isaacson. Amazing song!

Last day of taka square later ^_^v
After this I'm taking a break from work and just gonna help out my parents occasionally. And to focus on my jap lessons which start Monday! Full time courses are hardcore, but I gotta survive. Then it's doomsday, a short holiday, driving test, then I'm gonna look for a new job. Depends on what happens on doomsday though, the thought of it just sends chills down my whole body. :'/

Man I miss December.

Sick to the core.

Blogging at work. Yesterday was a worse torture compared to the previous day. I stood for 11 hours despite feeling feverish and nauseous, with a cold, sore throat, MASSIVE headache and cough. (just needed diarrhoea for the full package huh) I swear the bloody taka square aircon is unbelievable.

Feeling a tad better today even though I'm bored to death... 4 more days to the end! v^_^v I've been counting down all this while. I made a few friends here. It's always at the end when I actually start to socialise a bit more.

Happy 19th dearest Cui Ling! xoxoxo

清静

绑着两个辫子的小女孩穿着粉红色的小衣裙、黑色斑马案的布鞋，手里只拿着一把伞；沮丧的小绵羊在天空中心事重重，羊毛正滴下一颗颗珍珠般的雨水，雨水五颜六色，是泪水、雨水，怎么也分不清楚。

反过的笔迹仿佛早已印记在白纸上，寄怀扩散了整个表面，印字也已深深的陷入质料。

难道已经猜到如今的自己是如此战战兢兢，惧怕与日俱增吗？

广阔的草原上，花朵非一般的盛开，正是春天没错啊。花朵们有说有笑；一起笑，一起哭，一起受苦，一起怒。有时候刮风，脆弱的花朵因经不起强烈的风风雨雨而选择自灭放弃，但总是有伙伴们的依靠、扶持。坚强起来，花朵们怒放着。一起坚强。

仰慕，也许只是一种愚蠢。真正的仰慕，难道就能够斗志昂扬吗？

曾经存在过的世界里，难道往后的日子里已成了隐形人，不见踪影，不翼而飞吗？

艰苦难熬的日子中，难道就连一点的坚忍、恒心，都无法挽回一丝的价值吗？

漫步的女孩望一望了乌云密布的天空，问了问：＂老天，你真的有眼吗？你真的有在看吗？究竟看过这战争留下的疤痕、悲痛与恐惧吗？＂
是雨水还是泪水，此时我把眼泪擦干后，见的还是绵绵细雨，还是眼前黑漆漆的路；我也只能往前走，盼望着彩色的细雨渐渐变成暖和的眼泪。

步步惊心

I finished 步步惊心.



I SWEAR I CRIED AT LEAST ONE BUCKET OF TEARS. From episode 30 onwards it's just non-stop crying. It didn't help that I was having a cold. I think 刘诗诗 has so much tears in her T______T It's soooo tragic! Really sad ending. Everyone should go watch it! :'( Really good drama.


And this was the facial expression I was talking about. Is it me or does this face show A LOT? Like all kinds of emotions in her. Amazing!! Anyway, 刘诗诗 looks like somebody in AC but I can't seem to figure out who.


I love this picture! The emperor's gonna eat a burger. Love all the calligraphy stuff too!

"不牵手也可以漫步风霜雨雪，不能相见也要朝思暮念。"

Anyway today was pure torture. I was having a cold all thanks to Taka's freaking crazy aircon. It was on full blast or something + there were very few people + we were directly under the aircon. So unlucky! Today was extremely cold again and I was shivering even though I wore a really thick sweater. Madness! Hope I get better asap.

Finally, a reblog from Cui Ling's blog post, because her post is so true:

I just spent 5 hours straight sitting there reading a Chinese book from cover to cover.

It’s one of those love stories again. I love the way it’s written! I like how the author is able express everything so well and bring out all the emotions. Chinese is such an amazing language. The story would have been so different if it is in another language. If the same book was in English, it would probably be way too corny. But in Chinese, it’s just sweet and heartwarming.

The storyline is the typical guy meets girl, guy saves girl, girl marries guy, lots of problems in between, and finally happily ever after. The only thing I didn’t like about the story and the part towards the end. The girl should not have been in a coma for 2 years! Totally spoilt the romance in the air.

Anyway, my point is that everyone should try reading Chinese books. Put down all the prejudice you have about Chinese and start looking at it from a whole new perspective! I am sure you will fall in love with it as well. (:

Over-think.

After 2 consecutive days of fishball noodles for dinner, I gained back the 2kg I lost after CNY week. T____T

Lost 3kg, gained 3kg, lost 2kg, gained 2kg.

Losing weight is so tough... Gaining weight on the other hand is TOO EASY. I've been trying to control my diet recently since I don't have the time to burn them off by exercising. Work work work.

Today's mood: negative x10000000

Think the depression has slowly started to sink in, especially at work because I stone so much, I tend to think and think and think... And make myself sad. Over thinking - one of the bad habits I have yet to kick.

Yet I really can't help but think about how bleak my future really is. I tried to imagine how it feels like to step into the future. What do I see myself 5 years down the road? Standing 11 hours a day earning $5 an hour? Is that what I really want? Or do I really have a choice?

My fate's already been decided, it's just a matter of time before I face it. Right now, I should stop thinking about it, but it's just impossible.

:'(