The world through my eyes

Startling by each step.

2012-01-21T23:46:00.002+08:00

Earlier this week, Cui Ling was telling me about her obsession with this show called 步步惊心 and she was going crazy over all the princes (I couldn't understand why). I've heard of the storyline but I didn't know they had a TV series for it and I didn't pay much attention to it because... 古装戏 isn't really my thing.

But what the hell! I am totally ADDICTED to this show! It's a really good show and I don't even know how to describe it. I think it's the emotions and the feelings in the show... They really reach out and it's very touching. I have no idea how to put it. Plus the cheem chinese they speak in the show, I'm always in awe! I wish I could speak like that. I've never expected myself to be in love with 步步惊心 TRUST ME. I wasn't even THAT obsessed with 还珠格格!

These are the 2 princes in the show whom I presume everyone loves. Haha. Ironically they're the 2 non-China actors! Actually all the princes are handsome. I know the ending is gonna be tragic T_T Still at the happy part though.

And this is 马尔泰·若曦. She's a really really good actress! Occasionally I pick up the mirror while watching to wonder if I could do facial expression similar to hers. She can give this face which is seriously full of real emotions. I'm so impressed *clap clap*

So, this is my current obsession!

Other than that, life is pretty much the same. Work from Monday to Friday, data entry and computing admin stuff, driving lessons in the morning... Boring~ I am dreading my Taka square job so much! Looking forward to CNY reunion dinner tomorrow though. Fridge is all stocked up with food stuff. I really hope it will not rain next Monday and Tuesday when I do visiting in Malaysia (highly doubt so though) because I don't wanna ruin my new shoes! Especially on the Malaysian grounds! :(

Taka square for set-up tomorrow... ZZZ.

Eurockeenes.

2012-01-19T18:04:00.001+08:00

Current fave version. :') Makes me wanna cry every time I listen to it.

Anyways I'm at work now blogging while printing admin stuff! I AM SO TIRED. Can't wait for the weekends! Which also means that CNY is around the corner. I'm not exactly excited about it now that I am trying to force myself to go on a diet (pineapple tarts are pure EVIL) and on 25th I begin my work at Taka square T_T Dreading it so much because it's full shift promoter (1030-2130) EVERYDAY. I am so tired already! Imagine standing there everyday for >2 weeks?!

I am also getting worse at driving as time passes by. Beginning to doubt my ability to even pass my practical test... Life is damn shit now! Trying to keep my mind off stuff that is bringing me into depression mode again, it's so hard to stay positive.

And... I definitely miss the cold. SG's weather is nuts.

Disappointment.

2012-01-17T08:58:00.001+08:00

I am so disappointed with some of my classmates who initially said they could make it for USS yet are going back on their words. We've been planning for a long time now. I mean we all have our own commitments, I'm no different. In fact QQ and I actually took leave for Wednesday to make ourselves free. If you guys really made the effort you'd have done the same, no? Does graduation and moving on with our lives make us no longer important to one another? To think I actually put trust in my JC class. Guess not everyone actually gives a shit. And THAT is the difference between JC and secondary school mates.

Adult life.

2012-01-11T18:44:00.003+08:00

Last Friday, we celebrated KC's 19th birthday. It was a surprise! The plan was I was throwing a sleepover and we were inviting her over to cook dinner. There were more elaborate lies in between but anyhow, we ended up (attempting to) surprise her at my lobby. Impromptu, and the candles wouldn't light up which turned out to look like a make-out session (LOL).

Happy 19th birthday babe! XOXO

FOOD! Was too full that night!

SMILE BECAUSE WE ARE ALWAYS HERE FOR YOU NO MATTER WHAT :)

I spent the rest of the night sitting on a chair feeling sleepy and tired as hell. Dozed off while drying my hair when I got home and totally crashed. I AM EXTREMELY TIRED FROM WORK. I can't believe this, but school life might actually be better than work life. Shit them adults were right.

"Nothing beats school life, you'll know when you step into the adult world."

Why couldn't I see that in the past 12 years?!

I love my friends. SO MUCH!

Some photos at work... At my mum's office.

I just had to buy my A Level drink (white choc with extra expresso shot) because I couldn't take it. Was dozing off real badly at work. Check out my cracked nails by the way hehehe.

And a high bun to pull my hair from its roots to keep myself awake (also an A Level studying method). I know it's damn sick to force yourself to stay awake using pain but this is what I do.

Extremely bored...

Fringe is finally long enough to be braided! Thinking of a new hairstyle for CNY but I don't wanna cut my length. Fringe cut? Yes no?

So check out the office... XO + wine everywhere.

Sorry bimbo talk but my face is so huge it's like swollen! AHHHHHHH. Hate this a lot I've been trying to exercise srsly no time. OKOKOK EXCUSES

And this is my nail colour for the week! My cracked nails cracked too much. (ha ha)

So I've stepped into the adult world last week. It's unbelievable.

I've never imagined myself taking the train as an adult. Besides the bloody expensive adult fare each morning, it's just different not wearing school uniform, not leaving the house for school, not going out for fun, but to work. I used to be that student I am now watching on the train everyday. I know I'm not officially an adult, but just mingling with the working crowd, the lunch time office people makes me feel like, wow... "I'm not ready for this, yet I'm already in it."

It's so surreal because the route to school still feels like a normal thing to do everyday - we have barely made it out of school life and now this whole new chapter has started.

And that explains my lack of updates... Because I simply have no time! Everyday when I get home I either crash or watch Pretty Little Liars (before I crash) or Prison Break. Kk I know I'm a bit late for Prison Break... Initially I was so hooked onto Pretty Little Liars but ever since I stopped at the latest episode and started Prison Break, I became... CRAZY over Prison Break! It is extremely thrilling and I always almost die of heart attack!!

Even though I already know the ending because I watched the last season few years ago already, I am still damn nervous throughout the whole episode! Every single episode. It's such a good show. BEST AMERICAN SERIES EVER. Everyone should watch it! Sigh my progress is pathetic though, only watching one episode a day to prevent myself from cardiac arrests.

In case you're wondering what I do at work, I'm starting an online catalog for my mum's stuff. It will be up soon. Please support! Here are some photos I took for the catalog.

More to come. I NEED MODELS!! Anyone has thin waist to lend me?

Finally no more driving lessons for the week! ^_^v I am more than relieved.

And here comes Day 1.

2012-01-09T16:38:00.000+08:00

"I came in here a man. Give me the strength to walk out here a man."

If it was going to begin at all, it began today.

Happy 12am.

2012-01-02T00:00:00.000+08:00

培养恒心。

Still feeling a tad hungover. Never gonna drink this much in my life again (keeps saying this but never happens). Driving + work begins today, say hello to my hectic January lifestyle.

Can this be called drink driving? *bimbo moment*

The end of 2011.

2012-01-01T13:05:00.000+08:00

Countdown party at Shi Jie's place:

Punishment shots

Indian poker. Nice cards eh?

I love my friends so much. I wish happiness in all of their lives this new year.

I told myself not to drink but I still did, and because I really suck at all these poker card games I had to drink so many shots of vodka! It was so horrible. I was still fine for awhile but when I reached home I felt so tired I just wanted to crash. I forced myself to bathe though then I fell asleep on my wet hair, waking up at 8 this morning -_- So early...

Still it was great. And the new year is finally here. I am really happy actually.

2011 was just a totally depressing year for me, literally.

Everyone thought I was just some psychotic bitch who hears stuff and goes crazy by herself. But people also said that some time in your life you will go into depression and that is normal. Maybe 2011 was my year. I've never been so discouraged, so hopeless and so suicidal by the many many setbacks that I've faced last year. So much so that I shut myself out and think that everyone feels the same way about me. I started becoming so afraid of myself because in my mind my very own imagination paints a bleak future for me, and all I wanted to do was to escape and die.

Who knew how I got out of everything and lead a normal life now. For the past year, I've been wishing for a normal me. The me who wouldn't keep thinking about death. The me who would stop allowing myself punish myself, drown myself in these evil thoughts. 2011 has really taken the toll on me - it was seriously the worst year I can ever have in my life.

To make things worse, 2011 was a year where changes controlled my life. People came and left. I got closer to many people last year. I confided in them. I listened to them and I poured out my heart to them. Next thing I know, they left my life. They conveniently walked out of my life and now we are just 2 complete strangers. Of course being the low-confident Lyn, I blamed myself for their actions. It has to be me. Why else would all these people choose to walk out of my life?

Me me me again. Everything was me. So the self hate kicks in again. Nothing was right.

But of course, I have to thank these people (they could be reading this I don't know). Without them who showed me how toying with feelings and trust can really HURT, I wouldn't have known who were my true friends. Real, true friends. In life, you lose some but gain more. The people who stuck with me and unrelentingly helped me were my real friends. Maybe whatever they did to try to help me didn't work out (because I was a person who completely no faith at that time) but I am really grateful for them. I could never have made it out of the year without them by my side.

People who helped but still left eventually... I guess thank you too. I know it's tiring to try to help a person like me. When you grow tired, you get sick of it and all you wanna do is to throw me around like a living doll and allow me to be destroyed.

Faith... is a funny thing.

How do you become a person with no faith? It's when you have lost your purpose in life entirely and perhaps no one can save you at all. Then you lose all faith in everything. You believe in death.

Last year, I lost my faith. People tried to bring me to church in an attempt to help me. Failed. I kept telling myself that no one AT ALL will be able to help me. If they could, I would have been a normal person already isn't it? Then, I went against my parents' religion. That was a big mistake and also my biggest regret of the year.

One morning my parents were gonna bring me to the temple and I started insulting their, or supposedly MY religion. I insulted their religion, scolded all the gods, everything. My mum just stayed silent. I could actually remember how it felt. Everything happened too quick and I just let everything out of my mouth.

I still went to the temple with them later that day. The guilt in me was too much and I eventually let them all out. I cried and cried and cried at the temple. I just couldn't stop. I felt so guilty and so ashamed of myself for saying all those things. I picked myself up again and started believing in something. Something I must believe because my parents have raised me up to be inclined to think in that way. So I shouldn't sway from it. Even though right now I'm more into Buddhism hehehe.

I suffered in every single way in 2011, even my studies. Although this suffering will be brought to the new year (one particular day in March that determines my life in future), I am putting down all these sorrows and moving on. There is no point being sad about what has happened, in fact I am glad to have all these put behind me :)

It is inevitable to feel sad about life's evil nature, but we just have to make sure we can see the things that we can find joy in. Cheers to the new year! Happy 2012 everyone.

Driving.

2011-12-30T21:40:00.000+08:00

Okay YouTube finally uploaded my Shanghai video. Here it is! Inspired by Cui Ling's friend, Esther after she documented her Taiwan trip. I wanted to do vlogging but there's nothing much to talk about actually... It's also a bit noob but I had to do something before I delete all the videos off my phone.

Today started well and ended like shit. It started well because I finally showed some slight improvement in my driving. My engine stalled only once on the road today. No longer as depressed as I was before now. For over one hour I was just driving round and round at the BB area. I also happily forgot today's day what the hell am I doing in my life...

Got another guy's name today. I didn't really want to reply him at first but he pointed at my dimple and I started laughing. I think it's a laughable topic. I don't know? I get really shy when people go like "oh you have a dimple". Anyway what is with random friendly strangers talking to me these few days...

It's New Years Eve tomorrow. Will start on my customary year end post soon!

Taiwan trip video.

2011-12-30T07:46:00.004+08:00

I am finally done with my Taiwan trip video! Took me forever to upload. Sorry if it's very noob because it's my first time using Final Cut Express and I had absolutely no idea how to use it! :/

Cui Ling and I actually took much much much more videos and I fast forward-ed a lot of talking HAHA. It's really never ending of talking so I'll just leave you guys with the (supposedly) more interesting parts!

Some description:
At 0:12 you can see my ugly frizzy hair. It was the second last day already.
Just in case you didn't know what was happening at 3:26, we were trying to video our tour guide whom we named Ferocious but kinda, failed because we were so scared he'll become ferocious!
At 5:42 we were in the cab. Sadly it's a bit too soft.
6:42 I was talking about my extremely frizzy hair. HAHA
7:02 was so funny. I decided to add it in because CL and I were like squinting really badly under the hot sun it looks like we are both frowning. It was so bright we didn't even know what we were videoing!
And 7:17 was an accident. We were trying to take a photo of my hair.

Ironically the song is about alcoholism.

Hehe okay. Enjoy!

Traumatic experience.

2011-12-29T21:55:00.000+08:00

There is totally something wrong with my eyes today. They can't get any wider :'( I'm too tired!

I quit driving! I hate driving! :'( Instructor called me a person with no sense of direction today. Wtf means no need to drive already right! :'( I went on the road today. Fucking shit so depressing T_T 没有方向感

Why am I not good at anything?!

On a lighter note, I met a cute guy today. He asked for my name and I paused for one second and replied "ya". I love being single! Can do all sorts of shit I want. I'm saying this because a few days ago I was thinking to myself everyone around me is attached. Not just my friends but my siblings too. I feel so neglected and lonely sometimes. Then you find yourself saying "I wish I had a boyfriend" but being alone is too good. Loving the freedom!

Anyway something traumatic happened today. I was about to cross the road to Funan IT Mall to get a hard disk and these 2 women approached me, telling me about the importance of breakfast. Come to think about why did I even bother entertaining them? They started asking me like what I had for breakfast and I was chatting happily with them. WTH. So I agreed to do this survey of theirs at their shop.
I asked if it was a restaurant and they said no. Only one of the woman brought me to the place for the survey and OF COURSE I WAS SUSPICIOUS. But the stupid me just followed her to the 3rd level of Peninsula. Don't know what I was doing.

On the way up she was asking me where I stayed and all and obviously I lied about everything. Then I questioned her about this supposed "Nutrition Club" they have for a few months already. I was thinking "jialat they're gonna kill me" so I held my phone in my hand in case I needed to call someone for help.

I was so right.

The bloody "Nutrition Club" was empty and when I walked in there was an evil-looking man staring at me. The woman closed the door behind me and I said "I'm not interested in this shit!" and ran out. She didn't even chase after me. Obviously they were gonna kill me in that room la! Heng I got out right? Why was I so dumb?! I think I was very sad about driving so I lost my sense of danger or something.

So I left the building and while waiting to cross the road I saw the other woman who didn't follow me talking to random strangers again. I hid behind a wall and when I finally crossed the road I saw the other woman pulling those people away. BROAD DAYLIGHT MURDERERS. Please beware when you're at Peninsula! That place is extremely dangerous. Anyway WRONG PERSON TO ROB AND KILL. I am so broke! WRONG PERSON TO FORCE INTO SLAVERY TOO. I am so bloody lazy think I'll do anything?

I bought a hard disk today! Spending money makes me feel better. This is so bad. Taiwan snacks are so good! I eat something everytime I blog.

(Just composed the intro to my new song! Anyone wants to come up with lyrics? Hehe)

Road idiot.

2011-12-28T19:08:00.000+08:00

Exogenesis. This is my favourite part of The Resistance. Now can anyone tell me how to not worship them, especially Matt Bellamy? He's a genius. This is to those who say that Muse can only play noisy rock music. Matt Bellamy composed an entire classical symphony. I listen to this every night before I sleep because it's so beautiful.

I Belong To You. Love the bass clar solo!

So today's driving lesson tells me that I'm a total road idiot. I think my driving skills got worse after coming back from China :'( Not that it was good to begin with but today was utterly embarrassing... I couldn't even steer properly! And the thing about driving manual car is that I need to multi-task, something which I ABSOLUTELY can't manage. How? Changing gears, clutch, brake, accelerate, steer, listen to instructor. I CAN'T MANAGE! :'( Thankfully my instructor today was a younger one and was more patient. He just kept laughing at me. So afraid of older instructors who will simply give you the stare. T_T

Freak I'm such a bimbo! I admit it okay!! :( Right now everyone is using my "jet lag" thing against me!

HAPPY 21st BIRTHDAY DEVY, THE PERSON WHO LABELED ME AS THE BIMBO!

Traveled all the way from BB to Eunos to collect my shoes I ordered online almost a month ago T_T But it's fine since I gotta make use of my student fare these last few days! And yes, shoes again. Because I ordered them so long ago I've completely forgotten about them and happily bought 7 more pairs of shoes this month (1 in SG, 6 in Taiwan, 1 pair of boots in China) T_T
I bought home some of my favourite food to make myself feel better :'( Such a depressing day. To make things worse my data couldn't work today, my phone died so no music and my new pumps gave me blisters. :'( What a day...

Guess how many sad faces are there in this post :'(

Time for housework :'( And to unpack my luggage.

China.

2011-12-28T00:52:00.000+08:00

Hi I'm back from China! I went to Shanghai, Hangzhou and Suzhou. It was a great trip. Shall blog about it now! (with the company of my untouched Taiwan snacks!)

WARNING: IMAGE HEAVY. SUPER LAGGY.

I landed there at nearly 11pm at night on the first day so no photos because I was feeling airsick (again). Sigh my airsickness comes on and off. Taiwan I was alright but this... I felt really giddy and crashed immediately when I reached the hotel.

And I was super homesick. I think because of the weather. It was EXTREMELY COLD and I was wearing thin clothes. I also thought that I didn't have enough clothes for the next few days so I felt pretty depressed.

I woke up the 2nd morning FREEZING and SHIVERING LIKE CRAZY. It was really really cold and I turned off the air con but I forgot the heater. So I stood under the hot shower for half an hour and it felt so good. Had a really hard time coming out from the bathroom!

Lunch. River prawns. There were 48 of them (yes I counted)

All their veggies do not have garlic because they hate it. Which is good! Because I'm not a big fan of garlic. Hehe

I've always worried about the food in China because they cook anything. But surprisingly the food I had throughout this trip was DELICIOUS. Not all, but they were better than I thought! Made me love Chinese food for a while.

I also ate a lot of meat (pork especially) on this trip because they're really different. The meat is really tender. And THIS is the reason why. I saw like 3 of these trucks carrying these pigs to be slaughtered. So poor thing. I think they were carsick because some of them were puking. And so many of them were packed together like sardines. It was heart wrenching to watch :'(

Reached Hangzhou. This was dinner! It was good too.

Watched an acrobats performance. I was not in the mood at all because it was freezing outside. Like really really cold. And I was underpacked.

Our hotel!

Snack bar with see through shower. Never mind. Spot anything else?

They sell condoms at the snack bar. HAHA amazing!

Next morning's breakfast. This is called 拌面 I think? I don't know. But it's yummy.

AND I FINALLY FIGURED OUT WHY ALL THEIR NOODLES TASTE SO DAMN GOOD.

Because of the pork lard! Super unhealthy.

The road in the morning.

One should never look down on China people. They are super rich. A LOT of branded cars on the road. And this is only Hangzhou don't even talk about Shanghai.

At some park where senior citizens get free admission. It's their paradise.

Good life! Women can retire at 50! Then they'll come to this park to dance every morning!

And the senior citizens look very young. They don't wear specs (I guess because they always come to this park to look at trees), and their faces have natural blush! Damn chio!! They don't even look old!

Sigh damn good life. I will come to China to retire. HAHA just kidding.

This is at some place where most people get married at traditionally. My mum told me to 拜拜 and ask for a good partner LOL

The newly weds write their wishes and hang them here.

My ancestor! 姓刘的

And this was what I was talking about. They all come here to dance and exercise and this is only one group. They were 4 groups at the open area with each of their music blasting at one another. Also all around the place there are random old people dancing.

Beautiful place! I love the trees!

We went to the West Lake.

The trees are so pretty!

Sadly it wasn't the right season so no flowers.

Lots of 枫叶!

My fave tree is still the 柳树

Tea place. It's cold because we were in the mountains. I was just shivering throughout.

Lunch! Omg good food again.

This is called some coffin chicken or something HAHA can't remember!

See, meat again. This is dong po rou, their local dish. Can you see the pig's hair? :/

The layer of fats and skin is incredible. But the local people love it especially the girls. Collagen. But I couldn't bring myself to eat it still. Look at it it's so thick!!

乌镇! Great view.

So it was here where I figured out my acclimisation (is there such a word?) time. After walking about (and shivering) for nearly 10 mins I felt pretty normal. Like it wasn't cold anymore! So I was happy! Subsequent days I magically didn't feel cold. Haha. Retarded.

Buying 定胜糕

This bed can buy like a few apartment units.

Like a movie scene where people fly around to chase each other with swords.

My dad loves to act cool lor! Not just my dad, my mum and Jean too. All wore shades to act only.

Beautiful!!

Where to find these trees in Singapore?! Sigh.

Making silk. Yes brownish cockroach looking thing on the floor are silk worms.

The whole place made of silkworms!!

I love this place! It is so china.

Hotel room in Suzhou. This place is (y) because there was wifi in the rooms! Christmas eve night.

I went out for a walk when it was -1 deg. Saw Starbucks so I went in for a cup of hot mocha!

It was pure shiokness.

You can never get this kinda bliss in Singapore.

I really missed Taiwan. So my mum bought me the yam balls from Jiufen here. The boss was from Taiwan!

It tasted gross though. Nothing can beat the one in Jiufen. :'(

The next morning. Christmas day!

It was also 初一 that's why the temple was so crowded.

I really love all the botak trees in winter!!

At a silk factory.

This is my dad, who was asked to try stretch the silk layer but he couldn't. Then the lady next to him did it so easily.

And look at his fedora! I swear he's freaking vain! Bought this before I left for Taiwan (2 in fact) and kept asking me to take photos of him wearing it! -_-

Silk products are super expensive. At the place there was a group of Hong Kong tourists, and they took like bundles of the silk mattresses and blankets LIKE THEY WERE FREE. OMG. These people are so rich. One costs few hundred!!

I forgot the name of this place but it's like another movie scene.

I LOVE BOTAK TREES

Trying to act artistic HAHA

This dog is HUGE. He has blue eyes.

I didn't manage to take a photo of it but this cat and the dog above were sitting next to each other at first and were so intimate! It was so cute!

At this place where I took profile pictures for everyone.

But sadly they didn't know how to use my DSLR so all my shots are unfocused or blur. :'( Yup if you haven't realised there are no photos of me!

All act one!! Irritating! They didn't even pay me for my photography for them on this trip!

We were back in Shanghai. This is Nanjing Road. On Christmas Sunday. The CROWD WAS CRAZY LIKE NEVER ENDING FLOW OF HUMANS

We queue half an hour for Haagen Daaz and our time was up. Retarded right. Buy ice cream also need to queue for so long!!

But there was this lady who had to even queue to just collect her ordered cake. What kind of logic is this?! My dad jokingly said "the person's birthday will be over by then." HAHA TRUE.

The sky was beautiful!

Singapore's orchard road on Christmas Day is nothing compared to Shanghai.

Here's the Haagen Daaz we queued at for 30 mins.

Dinner was at the bund. The food is yummy especially that carrot cake looking thing. It's diced potatoes with chicken.

After dinner we went to see the 夜上海! Which is breath taking. What is Singapore compared to Shanghai? I was really impressed.

Shanghai > Singapore.

Hahaha my dad's 若隐若现 photo.

Love the European style buildings.

Watched another 杂技表演. It was really good.

Then I went back to the hotel to meet KC's bf!! He's a real nice guy!

Breakfast. This is their 馄饨. SUPER DELICIOUS.

Oriental pearl tower.

The view from the top (200+ floor) was AMAZING. Shanghai's really beautiful.

A cruise by the bund!

Foot massage. Sadly I was wearing stockings so I couldn't do it.

城隍庙

The buildings are really nice.

But no time to shop!

Anyway their clothes are not cheap at all. Saw a set of rings at the H&M there which cost more than the one I bought from Singapore. Exactly the same.

I only bought a bag from H&M, which was really cheap! :)

KC's bf asked if I went to this place and I said no. So we checked it out since it was opposite our hotel. It was a lovely place! A really nice place to chill out and relax.

It's like a different side of Shanghai you'll never expect to see!

Should have come here for Christmas eve night. I bet it would have been so fun!

Totally doesn't feel like Shanghai at all!

This place is a must visit!

We had 拌面 for dinner! It's FREAKING YUMMY!! I LOVE IT.

Bought drinks back to the hotel before we left for the airport. Cold day + cold drink = shiokness. Think the guy was shocked when we said we wanted iced.

At the airport. Left Shanghai and back to reality :(

I honestly think that China is an amazing country. The people are super rich and extremely talented. Despite all the gross stuff I've encountered (e.g. spit everywhere like REALLY EVERYWHERE, shitting all over the floor SUPER DISGUSTING IT WAS SRSLY ALL OVER THE FLOOR, smoking in the lift and in airconditioned places, selling dog meat), I still think that 中国人非常令人佩服! We should never look down on them. I won't, at least!

That's it! Okay gotta sleep and wake up for driving lesson (again)... May my engine not stall AT ALL this time! :/

Taiwan trip part II.

2011-12-22T14:38:00.000+08:00

Continued!

IMAGE HEAVY

Our hot spring hotel. It has nice view of mountains.

Breakfast was good too! With wifi.

Headed for Kaohsiung that morning!

Custard apples.

Cui Ling bought one back. This was the first time I've eaten custard apple. Haha very suaku right, I know. My elder sis is in love with it and every time my dad buys home one she finishes it by herself.

On the bus. Nice view! The ocean has 3 tones of blue!

More fruits! By the way Kaohsiung is really really warm. Almost like SG's weather. I was perspiring :(

Menong Hakka Village! Apparently 张耀栋 was there and some people from our tour group saw him drinking tea! But we didn't get to see him. Not fated.

So this is the old man who uses all sort of weird stuff as instruments to make music. And he released them as albums. Pretty cool.

Marble soda. It's so cool and retro!

I am soooo in love with this song.

The whole day was just spent on the bus travelling long distances to places... Sian.

Ten drum village.

HAHA we had our very own drum lesson it was super funny and exciting! Especially with the little children in my group!

Pretty pretty clouds!

This is E-DA world outlet mall! The ferris wheel is DAMN CHIO I kept taking photos and CL was pissed off.

May consider coming back here with my parents to shop! We didn't manage to shop at any of the outlets.

Atas shopping belts. Like Ion.

This CL. Both of us starting walking around with a British accent and at the end of it I started coughing real badly. But it was super hilarious! AND DISGUSTINGLY EMBARRASSING. I shall post videos another time.

123 square where they sold food stuff!

We bought corn dogs!

I bought this bubble tea for less than SGD2. It's freaking cheap. And it tastes ok? Like Gongcha I guess. And it's huge!

Breakfast! CL and I did Singaporean-ish stuff and dapao fruit loops. HAHA. THE VIDEO IS EXTREMELY FUNNY I WILL POST IT SOON.

I bought this from Family Mart where we spent like almost half an hour inside. Left tastes like overly sweet teh-o bing. Right IS REAL GOOD COFFEE. I brought the bottle back cause it's so cute!

佛光山! I love this place. I belong here because I'm "nunnified" HAHA (inside joke)

We saw this on the ground and I convinced Cui Ling that it was fake. Like those plastic ones used for pranks. So she went to touch it and it moved! HAHA so funny. But it looks really fake right?

回头是岸! Anyway I love the weather. Not cold at all. Look at CL, short sleeves somemore!

Ok this should be the place for me to meditate!

Cruise on Sun Moon Lake! I think I have motion sickness. After the boat ride I felt really giddy and nauseous and subsequent long bus rides I felt like shit. ZZZZ. First air sickness, now this!

Celebrated this boy's birthday during lunch. He's SUPER adorable. Comparable to Aloysius, aka marakay marakay (see below) HAHA

Wen wu temple.

Us in 民族 costumes!

Our hotel at 清境农场, which was up in the mountains. It was really cold but the view is just amazing. And the best hotel because they have wifi in the rooms!

There's this small little town or hangout place where there are cafes, music, dogs, food, souvenirs... A lot of things! I love it. It's so peaceful and un-city-life-like.

Souvenir shops.

Original and authentic Taiwanese sausages! Love it!

This dog followed us with our sausages back to the hotel. He was so hungry. So sad :'(

Live band but I was just sitting jewing the wifi hehe.

Spammed drinks from 7-11! Right most is AWESOME. It's the same as the latte but it's green milk tea this time. The rest were ok tasting too!

I want Taiwan's 7-11! Singapore's ones are just sucking our money.

Next morning! It was really cold.

青青草原. I LOVE THIS PLACE. The view is spectacular. REALLY BEAUTIFUL!

Sheeps! Damn cute!!!

Isn't the view amazing!!

Fed the yang meh mehs!

So cute!

Oh my really love the background!

Horse! But we didn't have time to ride it.

It was so sunny I was perspiring!

At Little Swiss Garden.

Another beautiful place!

Ok this is an ugly pic. But look at my hair (hay)! WHAT THE SHIT it's super frizzy! I didn't pin it up unlike other days because it was too frizzy I couldn't run my fingers through it. Looks like hay.

He's made of paper.

Fruit loops. So singaporean.

Lunch at some flower garden. This is flower handroll!

Tea leaves!

Tea biscuits. They're yummy.

This is Marakay, he's such a joker! And a real adorable boy! I miss him already :(

Dinner was Italian food! Sadly I was very full. Couldn't eat at all :(

Smoked salmon fried rice.

Shilin night market! Freaking crowded because it was a Saturday night.

We didn't get to eat ANYTHING at all. What is this?! NOTHING! TOO CROWDED and not enough time! :(

Ok but I bought 5 pairs of shoes in like, 10 minutes. The store was a freaking mosh pit! I couldn't even breathe. The shoes are dirt cheap. I kinda think they're impulsive buys but I still loved them!

Our hotel in Taipei. Last day in Taiwan :(

At ximending. This person act 一个 again, wanting to look like her fave star.

Ah zong meesua! I'm craving for some now. I miss this!

DELICIOUS

It was super crowded!

To satisfy our dissatisfaction for not able to eat 豪大大鸡排 from Shilin. :(

Here to eat ice! I love it! But I was damn full.

I wrote my name, country and my number! Visit this place next time and try to find it! Hehehe.

Our buys. Bought another pair of shoes :/

My yam balls! I miss Jiufen!

Ok so we met 张耀栋 here again but I was over him. HAHA.

Dog and a guinea pig.

This street artist using spray paint. He's amazing! CL bought a painting from him.

Sugar coated strawberries. Crazy sweet.

Love having a short name! 3 letters for 70NT. Additional letter cost 20NT HAHA.

Ya so I was pretty bored I CAN'T BELIEVE I DID THIS.

He was cutting my side view out using paper and scissors. It was pretty cool. But it's damn awkward to stand there and let him cut. EVERYONE WAS LOOKING!! -_-

At the airport... :( This is Ferocious, our tour guide. We named him Ferocious because he's damn fierce! Always scolding us and asking us to hurry up! Haha. But he's nice overall.

This is Aloysius aka the Marakay. He's full of drama but super adorable!

That's all! I really really miss Taiwan. Would wanna go back there someday! :)

Holidays.

2011-12-22T03:07:00.001+08:00

My holidays have officially begun. I want to blog more about the past few days but it's already 3.06am (thanks to mother effing blogger who wouldn't stop screwing up). I'm really tired and I gotta wake up in 4 hours time for my driving lesson, again! And then I'm flying off to China. Ok I will blog tomorrow on the train. Meanwhile scroll down for Taiwan part I post! :)

Wow thanks, Blogger.

2011-12-21T17:38:00.000+08:00

Hi. Okay so I happily turned on my mac in an attempt to blog about my Taiwan trip because last night I painstakingly chose more than 300 photos from the 800+ I took and uploaded everything after 5 hours.

GUESS WHAT?!

BLOGGER DELETED MOST OF THEM. ACTUALLY YKNOW WHAT ALL OF THEM BECAUSE I'M NOW LEFT WITH ONLY 10+ PHOTOS FROM MY TAIWAN TRIP.

I am absolutely sure I saved my draft last night. I was already typing and blogging every single shit up to the 2nd night already.

I TOOK 5 HOURS, BLOGGER. WHAT THE FUCK.

Moving my blog. Looking for a new host site. Will update soon if I have patience to upload all the photos again.

Taiwan trip part I.

2011-12-20T19:39:00.079+08:00

(Ok so Blogger deleted all my photos, and when I re-uploaded some of them BLOGGER FREAKING DELETED SOME AGAIN. So I've decided to split my post into few parts in case it decides to delete more photos. I tried switching my blog to Wordpress but the photos didn't work out too well so I'm gonna stick with irritating Blogger for awhile more. So here's part one of my Taiwan trip!)

FINALLY GONNA BLOG ABOUT MY TAIWAN TRIP! Ok so this was the first time I've traveled without any supervision at all! No parents, no teachers, no nothing, just with Cui Ling! You might think that it's damn shiok but not really... I thought so too at first, but there are so many things to worry about it becomes quite troublesome sometimes.

STILL, I REALLY ENJOYED MYSELF!

Warning: IMAGE HEAVY POST (freaking lagging my entire mac)

At the airport checking in our luggages. So while checking in, a staff from the tour agency told us she had to help another staff from another tour agency because he was short of 2 people who were not there yet. Then he mentioned that they were celebrities thus they have the right to take their time.

So I randomly asked, "Celebrity? 张耀栋?" And she said yes. I was like OMG then I started hyperventilating because I really liked him! The reason why it so happened that I mentioned his name was because before signing up for this tour package my mum showed me a newspaper cutting about 张耀栋 bringing a tour group to Taiwan. I threw it into the bin because I thought the timing wasn't suitable. See what happens in the end?

Anyway, Cui Ling and I were squealing so the lady suggested helping us ask him for a photo. I nearly died. I don't know why I was so nervous and I didn't want to take the photo actually, but CL dragged me there and said that this will only happen once in your lifetime. True.

I was LITERALLY shaking during this shot because I was so nervous! IT WAS CRAZY. Woah I'm such a loser how am I gonna meet Matt Bellamy if I can't even handle a local celebrity?! T_T

Anyway he was really tall. And good looking. *faints*

Before boarding. We were secretly hoping that 张耀栋 boards the same plane as us. And he really did! Some unforseen circumstances happened and he ended up sitting right behind us. I nearly died again. :/

Taking the high speed train from Taoyuan to Taipei:

台北车站

First breakfast/meal in Taiwan. 豆浆油条

The soya milk is hot and it's really good to have especially in such a cold weather!

I'm eating this dough fritter thingy wrapped in egg and prata.

And this was where we had our breakfast.

Somewhere which I don't exactly remember the name to watch a changing of guard ceremony.

阿兵哥. Quite sad for this guy he was tearing and obviously he couldn't wipe the tears so it rolled down his cheek T_T

CL was totally obsessed with him.

Ok I can't deny the fact that I like how my hair looks right now. The black roots make it look dip-dyed. So I'm not gonna do anything to it for now. And it looks totally fine here doesn't it? I haven't learned my lesson from Spain. I didn't bring my conditioner, again, and in the subsequent days my hair become SUPER HORRIBLE and extremely frizzy. (you'll see) Sigh.

At Matyr's Shrine for another changing of guard ceremony. It was really impressive!

Love going up to them and reciting their names on their name tags out loud... They can't do anything. Hehehe.

Such a long stretch of road!

I think Cui Ling and I look quite alike? That's why people think we're sisters!

This is really impressive!

And this person act 一个阿兵哥 also HAHA

Lunch was steamboat! 麻辣火锅:

At Taipei 101!

Starbucks ice cream tubs!

Okay this is cool they sell cold stone ice cream tubs too!

Bought this. It's yummy.

The building was totally engulfed by the fog. It was raining and super cold and windy!

Look at this!

The whole place was flooded with China people it's crazy.

Raohe Street night market! Dirty and wet place :'( Dirtied my shoes real badly.

Cute puppy selling leggings! So adorable!

Sadly he wasn't looking in my photo :(

Okonomiyaki! It's delicious~

臭豆腐

Smelly tofu and okonomiyaki.

This tasted ok I guess. It wasn't THAT smelly. Still, it stinks!

蚝煎 aka oyster egg! OMG LOVE THIS.

I'm not a fan of oyster, in fact I don't like to eat them. Every time I eat oyster egg in SG I will only eat the egg and leave the oysters for someone else. But I tried this in Taiwan, Omg the oysters are real good! I actually ate them! They're huge and they don't have the smell. Love it.

50 NT! Which is about 2 dollars for each! (Y)

The next morning:

This is how I have my breakfast when there is wifi. Hehehe. Slave to technology.

At some place I CAN'T REMEMBER! Urgh

It was quite a beauty!

At a fish market.

I think having live seafood is so cruel. Especially when you point to a particular fish in a tank and say that you want to eat that. The person will then kill it infront of you. :'( Sigh. GONNA BE A VEGETARIAN!

(who am I kidding)

Finally we went to 九份! The setting in Spirited Away was inspired by the streets in Jiufen! :) LOVE THE PLACE! Sadly it was raining and everywhere was wet, dirty and crowded.

OMG the peanut roll ice cream is (Y) DAMN GOOD. I love it. I wanna have some now :'(

Umbrellas everywhere... Sucks to be walking here in the rain.

Woah this is my other favourite food from Jiufen! Yam balls! And having it on a cold rainy day was even more shiok! ^_^v

So this is some 算命 thingy that predicts your future based on your birth month and blood type. CL and I tried it. It says I'm gonna have a late marriage :'( That is just sad... Haha.

Don't you love my umbrella? Got it for $5 from Rubi few hours before I left for Taiwan!

I am so in love with leopard prints these days!

This is quite scary.

In this shop where CL tried the 牛肉面. I think it was not bad.

Prawn ball.

We left Jiufen :'( It was shit crowded.

At Toucheng farm! This is our hotel room. The beds are HUGE. I used half of it to put all my stuff. Hehe.

BBQ for dinner! Ate loads of corn.

This is hilarious.

We learnt how to make 天灯! Exciting!

Wrote our wishes on it with another family. AAAAA. A bit impossible?

Reminds me of 那些年...

The next morning... It was raining and we went for a walk around the farm.

It was really bad. I was actually very grumpy and moody during the walk because the place was muddy, dirty and wet. And my shoes (velvet oxfords) were totally covered with mud. It really made me regret wearing that pair of shoes.

We had to walk through this place to pluck oranges and the mud was just gross. My shoes sank in and got stained pretty badly. Cui Ling's shoes and scarf too.

CL took this. It was pretty warm I was kinda perspiring under that scarf but the place was too gross for me to do anything. Check out my shoes :'( Freaking sad.

Gonna take the 火车 to Hualien. The ride was 1 hr 7 mins long.

I actually think this was faster than the high speed train in Taipei :/

Lunch. Bamboo rice.

Taroko national park. Ok so look at my ugly shoes. Walao I really hated the mud so much.

But this place is just beautiful... Can't describe it. It's so peaceful and the place is just... Yes PEACEFUL.

Love this photo! Love the scenery.

Here's a video taken by CL:

Wet, muddy, dirty. Sad beyond words :( But after that I used the towel from the hotel to clean it a little. It's better now but there are still some stains that can't be removed.

Loving the weather. It was cooling.

At a jade factory.

Bought this from 7-11. They forgot to put sugar or something. It's totally bitter and sugar free. But it's not bad overall. I love oolong tea!

Hot spring hotel! The beds are huge again. And half of mine was used to dump all my stuff!

Supper we bought from the 7-11!

So that's the pool and hot spring. It was freezing cold and so we decided not to go in the end. We went to our own hot spring in our bath tub. They had hot spring water!

Plum potato chips. Pretty unique huh? Not bad though. Quite salty!

Ok this was the noodles which has some D.O.M. tasting flavouring and after that CL got really high and I suspect she got drunk because of that. HAHA. Anyway I didn't finish it so I don't know how it really tasted but I didn't really like it. SIAN Should have bought other Taiwan cup noodles to try!

铁蛋!

Okay so this is the end of Day 1, 2 and 3 of Taiwan. More photos will be up soon. Blogger you can suck it.

Kaohsiung here I come!

2011-12-15T08:13:00.002+08:00

Hi guys, Taiwan has been pretty good so far. We're now in 台中 right now and heading off to 高雄 today, I'm really excited because I've been wanting to go there since forever! See y'all in a bit! Hopefully there's wifi there...

Flying to Taiwan!

2011-12-12T00:40:00.002+08:00

AHHHHHHHHHHHHH
Guess who CL and I met at the airport? It's 张耀栋! Can't believe I got to meet him! I really like him! Hopefully we can see him in Taiwan!

Bye peeps, we're off! Will blog there if I get wifi!

My 1st driving lesson.

2011-12-09T21:05:00.000+08:00

Yesterday's lunch at Marche. It was so salty. Looks really good with Instagram!

It's winter now, at the place I am at! -3deg cel. I love the coat and boots from Winter Time.

Actually this was at 313. HAHA. Cheap thrills with CL.

Anyway this morning I had my first driving lesson and it was quite fun even though I was really nervous at first. I thought first lesson I don't actually drive, so I was damn stunned when the instructor told me to change to the driver's seat. I nearly died. There were so many cars in the circuit and I panicked! And the engine stalled like one million times. Once, it stalled in the middle of the road and I looked into the rear mirror. WHAT THE HELL one whole line of cars were behind me. It was shit stressful and manual car is so troublesome... It's so hard to coordinate my limbs, mind, eyes (mirrors) and mouth. Driving is so not my thing.

It was fun though! My instructor was nice too. Can't wait for the next lesson. Driving is pretty fun! (minus the stress)

It's a happy day.

2011-12-09T12:50:00.000+08:00

Today was Daphne's birthday. A few of us met up this morning to give her a birthday surprise. We made her a scrapbook! Wanted to post pictures but I forgot to take a photo of the finished product. Glad she liked the presents :) Looks like me walking around the crowded mall in search of a suitable present (and ultimately down with a fever) was worthwhile. And yes this was my little angsty episode yesterday but I'm over it.

And I was right about myself. I gave in. I think I'm soft-hearted (yes heart of steel my ass) but it's good that way. I kinda learnt how to look past everything and just... accept everything. So yup I'm no longer bottled up with hatred and anger. It's not like I released them in any way too but I just kinda think that there's no point being so angry. The past few days have been so horrible trying to deal with all these inner emotions. Limits are limits but there are more precious things out there than silly angst and hatred. Makes life easier :) I'm so carefree!

Watched New Year's Eve with Ernest, Daphne and Kay. It was a great movie. I think it pretty much made me so sure about forgetting the past and moving on! We also got to shop a little, chill at Starbucks (no books/notes/A Level related stuff) and E and I drooled over VS models. Shucks think I'm as hooked onto the VS angels as he is because I'm googling them right now. Affects your inferiority complex x1000000 but life is about inner beauty and I'M FEELING SO GOOD WITH ALL MY NEGATIVE FEELINGS GONE.

To add on to my little happiness within myself, Chongjing rang me today, unexpectedly! And I got to meet him, Zhao Hong and Zhao Feng! So CJ and ZH drove Cui Ling and I out for a little ride and we nearly died. But it was great meeting up with old friends! Got to talk to Bren and Darryl for a short while too. I am so tired right now.

Shall go to bed and hopefully wake up to better voice and throat. I'm recovering. Can't wait for Taiwan :)

It's a secret.

2011-12-07T23:52:00.000+08:00

Some packages arrived in the mailbox today and I'm happy!

I'm bit lazy to connect my phone to the comp so here's photo booth.

Wooden stamp set! Bloody hell the fonts are not supposed to be like that, it's so ugly! Ugh annoying. But never mind I love the fact that they're wooden!

Received my FRANK card from OCBC too. Can't wait to start using it. Everyone should get it honestly it's the chio-est card you can ever have in your wallet. Perks are really good too! Sigh regretted not getting the leopard prints one the more I look at it the more I regret... But old radio's good for me too. My sis and I have almost the same taste, we nearly chose the same designs!

Today was a happy day despite being sick and all. I got out of house and felt really giddy because Singapore's too crowded. The crowd is crazy. I came home running a fever. Should've just stayed home right? BUT NO SOME PISSING *******************

Please don't get me started on my angst episode. I can't take this any longer I'm so pissed I think I don't even know myself right now. Need to brace myself. I can do this! BE HEARTLESS. HEART OF STEEL. I need to stop giving in because my limit has been reached.

Will start packing for my trip tomorrow! Can't wait! Gonna sleep now and hopefully recover tomorrow because I am so sick of the house already.

Post 'A's life - at home.

2011-12-06T22:20:00.000+08:00

Sorry for the lack of updates despite staying home >23 hours a day because I am sick... My voice is sounding like shit and the thought of food makes me want to vom. (threw up my lunch) T_T Why is this happening to me? I also got some nasty rash like thing on my hands because I'd conveniently forgotten that I am allergic to dettol, so the cleaning of my room the past few days caused my hands to be mutated. I hope all will be well before I fly off.

SELLING POST WILL BE UP SOON! Cheap deals~ Also I've decided not to procrastinate any longer and I'm done with my Spain post! (click if you're bored) It's been a draft since forever. Please appreciate because all the photos were so huge it took really long to upload!

PLEASE LEMME GET BETTER TOMORROW :'(

Cried.

2011-12-04T23:49:00.001+08:00

Officially depressed despite a happy event tonight. Deleted the whole chunk of words I typed about the reasons why. I guess I just don't know who I am anymore. And the world has been so unkind to me with everyone pissing on me, I just wanna cry myself to sleep tonight.

Losing my mind.

2011-12-03T23:53:00.001+08:00

That's it. Limit reached. I can't give in anymore. I have zero tolerance left.

A day of cleaning.

2011-12-03T02:33:00.003+08:00

Today was another day of packing. I cleaned my room a little and tidied up. Then brought my younger sis to Ikea to get some stuff and lunch. Was supposed to get my new storage drawer (if you've seen my room you will know how pathetic my storage capacity is) but it was freaking 14kg and NOBODY with the driving license and car was willing to fetch us. Never mind, I abandoned it. But seriously. Maybe I'm speaking too soon again but if I get my license and fortunate enough to get my own car I'll drive people around as much as possible. Don't you people get how tiring it is to take public transport especially when it's really inconvenient and ESPECIALLY when you are 2 miserable girls trying to carry all our stuff and BUY YOU GUYS LUNCH with a leaking drink cup. Wtf man. And it was fucking raining. You guys weren't grateful for the people who sent you around before you could drive?!

So that was my angst episode but I simmered down after that. I was very annoyed by the leaking ice lemon tea I think and Jean and I didn't have a carrier. We were holding the cup. Maybe I shouldn't complain since I decided to go on a rainy day. Ok, done.

Went for manicure and pedicure session with my sister. I had a hard time choosing my nail colour - I've always wanted chocolate nails but in the end they gave me some bronzy colour that only shows under the light. Oh well at least my cuticles and all the nonsense dead skin were removed! Damn shiok they were so horrible before:

Regret not asking them to cut shorter for me so that I can play my guitar. And I prefer short nails. Long nails are just... dirty (at least the impression they give me). Looks black but it's actually dark brown. I call it 若隐若现 HAHAHA.

HAHA I was wearing the same shirt as the night before we were running late and I was too lazy. I left house with my horrible looking side parting (which disappeared during the exams) and FORGOT MY CLIP. Nearly died. After my manicure I couldn't take it I just had to buy a random ugly hairclip. See what A Levels have done? I couldn't even stand few hours with my fringe down. Sigh.

So when I came home I started cleaning my room and...

CHIPPED MY NAIL OMG thought the micro scratches on the surfaces were bad enough but THIS. I nearly cried. It didn't last 7 hours. GREAT.

Sigh feeling sad and pissed with myself. But I still gotta continue cleaning my room. Can't wait to get more storage shelves! I think I enjoy organising my room.

Great uniform moments.

2011-12-01T22:56:00.006+08:00

A Levels are officially over.

Time flies unbelievably fast and I'm using my computer guilt-free right now ;) Even though today's paper was like the crappiest I've ever done in my life... (got a little depressed after that) Today was the last time I'll ever wear my AC uniform again so I decided to share some uniform moments this year... Quite few memories I realised.

Cross country.

Ian's hairstyle which I kinda made him cut it. HAHA. Sadly everyone didn't like it. Looks ok what...

Grace and I are twins forever. I swear short hair looks really nice on her. Sobz.

I cut my hair and everyone thought it was ugly but I thought it was okay? Oh well. I kinda wanted a "new life" so decided to let my hair grow out again. It's sort of like my split ends were my burdens. Ok this is bullshit ugly means ugly.

Met CL downstairs after a depressing day, made me happier!

This was during an amazing bio tutorial when the bio rep (next to me) decided to take a photo during his beloved bio teacher's lesson. Epic.

Eating this in class reminded me of Devy so much... 4H memories.

The guy who got A for econs during econs lesson (sorry Ian I just had to)

This is non-uniform related but look at my face... Woah so small! It's like 3 times the size of this now I need to lose some fat cheeks srsly :'(

Class photoshoot!

X-MEN THIS IS THE AWESOMEST

In AC sweaters.

This is my classmate Ryan searching for his math tutorial while holding a Magnum in his other hand. HAHA SO CUTE and it's funny especially because it's during math.

Check out what Mr Nah's doing during tuition...

...jewing my correction fluid.

Baccalaureate aka last day of school... I didn't bring my ka me ra :'( Regretted big time.

Last few classmate moments in LT3, our first base class. MEMORIES.

So for my 2 years in AC I've never once tried Makan Bagus, the malay food stall. Everyone else says it's the best stall ever in AC but yea I've graduated without trying it. (beat my Wok With Me record hehehe) When I came back for mock papers I finally tried it, 2 days in a row... it was alright. :/ I think Makan Sedap in GESS is better?

THIS IS SUPER HILARIOUS. Grace and I returned to school for math consult in the mac lab. She was sitting infront of this mac and when she accidentally moved the mouse this appeared on the screen. I COULDN'T STOP LAUGHING WHEN SHE SAID "Ew Ernest what are you doing here?" HAHAHA. And after that we had fire drill where J2s who returned to school had to assemble on the field too. What a joke.

I'll miss school definitely. School days, but not schooling days.

K so many things to do~ Pack my room, watch a movie I downloaded on my computer, sleep, exercise! No more excuses not to monitor my weight/skin condition/eye crisis.

In 24 hours.

2011-11-30T14:15:00.000+08:00

Trying out a new blogging app on my phone. Hopefully the photo alignment isn't screwed up.

The end is just tomorrow, it's so near I can hardly breathe. It's kinda surreal actually, more than 3 weeks passed like that. I remembered counting down to the end of A Levels and the mental countdown to the start. In the middle I simply lost track of time. Everything moved too fast. During the A Level period I kept dreaming about every single paper, how I fared in them, the anxiety and atmosphere... These days I've been dreaming about my results. They're bad. I do hope I don't have to face reality like this next year. This is depressing!

Okay refraining from being too explicit or all sorts of profanities because some people returned me some money they owed me (which I honestly didn't remember) from a long long time ago. I seriously have no clue who reads my blog now... Anyways, hi! Keep the money coming in! Haha. I'm just kidding.

One more day till I get all my locked apps back! My safari, my twitter, my Facebook, my YouTube, my instagram!

Cave.

2011-11-28T23:34:00.001+08:00

It's getting harder and harder to suppress my anger and dissatisfaction towards things that are happening in my life. I'm beginning to think that perhaps trying hard to be a compassionate person may be really un-me after all. I need to hide in my cave and let them all out. I want to go up to people and scream in their faces "I had enough of you!" Life is so not accommodating.

Anyways, time is passing incredibly fast. A levels are coming to an end this Thursday. It's way too soon. Life's too short.

Thoughts.

2011-11-26T18:53:00.001+08:00

人不为己, 天诛地灭

I really can't tolerate selfish people. I used to think that oversensitive guys are the only type of guys I can't stand, but now I realised that selfish guys have pushed my limits to a whole new level.

I used to be really selfish too, actually. I've tried changing that and succeeded a little I guess. I stopped making noise about my sister stealing clothes from my wardrobe; I've also resisted temptations to wear her new clothes which she haven't worn before (damn ass I know). Proud of myself. I think I've changed the most towards Jean. I give in to my elder brother and accept the fact that he will always eat stuff that are not his, or maybe he just really hates housework. I always try to think about the things he's sacrificed and done for us/me. Last weekend he went out to get dinner for me when my parents were overseas. My sis asked for dinner too late and he was already home, so he offered his fish soup to my sis and cooked noodles for himself. And he wanted me to hide the truth from my sis. Awwww right! I love my siblings so much.

So I don't understand why friends have to be so selfish. Especially guys, it's a major turn-off. And don't think I cannot tell what you're trying to do. I'm not trying to say you have to offer to pay for every single thing. What really matter are the little things that I happen to notice about people.... They really make me see the real you and it's ugly. But yknow what, it's fine. I get it. Sometimes you just have to be selfish to save your own ass, just like how I should stop lending people money/paying for stuff because it's not funny to not get back hundreds of dollars that belong to you. Especially when I'm a total mute when it comes to asking people to pay me back.

I will also not be swayed by others' opinions about a certain individual. They will not control how I feel towards a person/how I should treat that person. Because it's unfair towards him/her. Different people have different opinions. I'm not gonna care if I appear like a hypocrite. I just need to really have control over my life because I don't live my life for others. This is the second time this is happening. Sigh, why do I have so little power when it comes to the manipulative world. Be strong be strong.

I've been looking at people (in general) who are in a relationship. It's weird. I don't know. I think I've never imagined myself being so emotionally attached to someone? Having to answer to that person 24/7, care about how he feels, wary of doing things that may make him mad, constantly thinking about him, sensitive towards his feelings, listening to him talk about his life... Maybe I'm speaking too soon, but I'm pretty glad I'm not part of any of these? I feel so... Free and burden-less? Of course I'm not saying that people who are attached are burdened all the time, but to me I think having to think for another person is a burden. I don't know how to say it. I should be a nun. Ha ha.

I can't wait for:
#1 A's to end (next thurs!) though I'm really dreading the MCQ papers. I think it's this "end" kinda feeling that is pretty dreadful, like A's are officially over kinda feeling. I'm weird.
#2 Taiwan trip! v^_^v
#3 Meet up with my friends! For nothing at all.
#4 GLIKED Christmas party!
#5 2012. Really looking forward to the end of this self declared worst year of the century (or rather, of my life).

Threeling adventure.

2011-11-25T00:04:00.009+08:00

My top 2 most played songs on iTunes:

Just found out about this play count thingy today. Haha. I'm an awesome suagu.

Today provided sufficient evidence to prove that (omg this sounds like some GP/econs shit I always write) I suck at buffets. I should just stick to sashimi buffets or maybe not eat at all... I think my appetite has become smaller since I'm not sure when. I used to be able to eat so much more? It's funny because I've been putting on weight at the same time. My ulcer has been restricting me to only liquids like milk and soup these days too, it hurts so bad I don't even know what it is called anymore. And it's huge. By the way guys, salt is still the best remedy to ulcers ever, not that stupid Bonjela. I guess it stings much more but it doesn't prolong your misery. My ulcer reduced in size and it's getting a little better! And after rubbing salt on my wound (literally) for 2 days I'm pretty used to the pain. It's quite... shiok *masochism kicks in* It's like, plucking your eyebrows? Painful but satisfying. It's complicated.

Bonjela Original and Bonjela Cool are oral gels, aimed to relieve the pain of mouth ulcers and denture sores.
Bullshit. Sorry I don't know if I have a weird mouth or what but this definitely does not work on me.

On my way back I was actually thinking about all the money people owe me this year... It's fucking hundreds. I think this is the worst year in terms of my financial status. Maybe I should seriously stop bringing so much money out to lend people in need, but then again it's really selfish isn't it? But for people like me who doesn't dare to open my bloody mouth to remind people/ask them to pay me back, I think I shall make it a habit next year. And right now it's not like I can't ask them to pay me back, it's just... I don't think they realised that I've been paying for stuff. Don't get me started about Muse tickets.

Sigh~ Okay new year resolution for 2012. HAHA. E and I made like a ~15 mins impulsive decision the other day to open new bank accounts. I've always wanted to open a new bank account to dump in my own savings and to separate my spendings, because if you don't know, I've been paying pretty much EVERYTHING with my savings - tuition fees, food, transport, stationery, notes blah blah. Oh not to forget the money people owe me, they're my savings dammit. So I guess I need to start saving up lest my savings become zero.

Can't wait for 2012! Nothing can be worse than 2011 (apart from a particular day in March) I declare this year the worst year of my life.

(first photo of 2011) I miss all my friends.

Feeling good.

2011-11-22T16:28:00.008+08:00

Birds flying high, you know how I feel.
Sun in the sky, you know how I feel.
Breeze drifting on by, you know how I feel.
It's a new dawn it's a new day it's a new life for me and I'm feeling good.
Fish in the sea, you know how I feel.
River running free, you know how I feel.
Blossom in the tree, you know I feel.
It's a new dawn it's a new day it's a new life for me and I'm feeling good.
Dragonflies out in the sun you know what I mean don't you know?
Butterflies all having fun, you know what I mean.
Sleep in peace when the day is done.
And this old world is a new world and a bold world for me
Stars when you shine, you know how I feel.
Scent of the pine, you know how I feel.
Yea freedom is mine, you know how I feel.
It's a new dawn it's a new day it's a new life and I'm feeling good.

Oh shit I love Chris in this one.

This is amazing. I just had to share them.

Ok I finally cleared some space in my cupboard! And found all my MCQs. My room is still a pig sty but it's slightly better. Time to start whacking those tonight since I've been wasting my whole day away! (plus housework !@£$%^&*)

Breather!

2011-11-22T02:43:00.005+08:00

Hi babe. We are going to have a blast this Christmas, just like 2009 and 2010, no worries! I miss ya!
(I look much thinner in the 2009 pic after my puking spree grrr)

Spent my night packing my room and I'm not done. Got rid of about 20% of my worksheets? And I stopped because while making my fourth trip to the rubbish chute I accidentally crushed a cockroach and its body was squished there. I refused to take a closer look or do something about it because I HAVE THIS CRAZY HUGE PHOBIA FOR COCKROACHES. So I guess, I'll leave it to someone else in the house to rid of it tomorrow morning :/ Which isn't the best solution because practically everyone except for the dudes in my family are nearly as scared as I am. I don't see how cockroaches can have the patience to make their way up to the 28th storey, srsly?!

Today was a pretty good day. It marks the end of all my written papers, what's left is ABCD and shading. Overall I thought every paper was bad. I think I might really need to retake Chemistry, judging from all the marks lost I don't think I can even pass it. Shall worry about that a later date. Caught In Time with gliked which was a pretty good movie. Haven't seen a decent plot in a long time. Anyways I felt quite bad that we didn't go for dimsum buffet because I know E was looking forward to it since he planned it a long time. Instead we sat at sbux to plan for our christmas party, and I am so excited! I love sitting down and just not doing anything!

Can't wait to completely revamp my room! Sorted out my MCQs which were nowhere to be found before I started cleaning. Will start tomorrow, no procrastination! And I'm addicted to Muse. What's new~

I can't be anymore blessed to have siblings like my elder bro and sis :) For 2 consecutive mornings I ate the same food from the same hawker coincidentally, because both of them bought me my exact same fave food. Today my bro bought me fish soup for dinner (because of my fucking huge ulcer under my tongue aggravated by SOME SHITASS ULCER MEDICINE CALLED BONJELA srsly do not be fooled by how professional it looks). Considering I have average tolerance for pain and slightly masochistic (because I like to bite on my ulcers and make them bleed, think blood tastes good HAHA), when the Bonjela made my ulcer grow to 4 times its original size I couldn't take it. Please use watermelon frost or something, NEVER bonjela. It's motherfucking painful.

Memory's failing me real badly.

2011-11-21T00:48:00.001+08:00

So, as I try to test myself now on what I studied, I realised I still can't remember all the ethical and social implications (all that geog-ish stuff). So close to giving up and submitting to the fact that the pea-sized hard disk in my brain simply has no more memory space. Urgh. Screw this I am gg to bed. May I wake up on time tomorrow. And better not come out some shitty bacteria topic on SPA I will die on the spot. 3 more papers in 2 weeks. After A levels I'm gna spend some of my free time throwing darts at cambridge's logo. I hate studying. I think the MOE system is not cut out for dumb people like me, just saying. A bit too late to be saying this. Kk shall stop blabbering useless stuff. (chants bio)

Milk.

2011-11-20T01:17:00.002+08:00

I'm fucking addicted to milk.

Bliss.

2011-11-19T14:47:00.002+08:00

What I do on a Saturday before a bio paper: baking under the sun with a slight breeze getting a (fail) natural tan while memorising shitloads of bio in just 2 chapters (which I kinda enjoy actually, more than evolution and bloody viruses), snacking on apples, sipping home made extra coffee mocha (I dumped a cube of chocolate in hehe) and listening to muse. Srsly pissed off with shaw sbux I don't really know why so I guess I'm gna stay home. Parents are overseas once again. House is a dating club. Life is good.

I can't wait to go for real natural tanning after As. And looking at my ugly toenails, I absolutely can't wait for 2nd dec - pedicure with my sis! And to run everyday and rid of my flabs (went for a run 2 days ago my stam's LIKE SHIT I AM SO SAD). And to share more funny muse vids. And to do crazy stuff to my room. And burn all my notes and clear my pig sty-ish room. So many things I wna do but can anyone please tell me how to improve your memory? My pea-sized memory is failing me because I can't seem to remember all the shit I memorised just yesterday. T_T Sob.

Break time of 15 mins up.

Muse

2011-11-17T19:40:00.005+08:00

OK. I dreamt that Matt Bellamy gave me his Manson Bomber (^) with his signature on it. (!!!!!) It's my ultimate fave guitar of his! THIS IS SRSLY A DREAM! I will die with no regrets! Kate Hudson can we switch lives for a day please?

Shit I can't resist not uploading this because it totally made my day! I srsly laughed throughout the entire video! How can anyone AT ALL not realise they've switched roles?! Isn't the drummer obvious enough OH MY HAHAHAHA I LOVE MUSE. Dom is *love*

Anyways since I'm here I'm gna share my 2 fave songs by Muse. They're the BEST, EVER. Please watch and be inspired by them, especially Matt! :)

PLEASE SPEND 8 MINS OF YOUR LIFE TO WATCH THIS ESPECIALLY IT WILL BE THE BEST 8 MINS EVER. HAHA. Okay I've decided this is my fave song because I listen to it non stop everyday. It's helping me survive A levels ^^

AND THIS ALL BASSISTS HAVE TO WATCH THIS

Why am I acting like I have no more exams... But I'm sorry gotta share good stuff! :) Anyway recently I've been treating my parents' office like my second home. I think I'm gna be really sick of this place since I'll be working here for the next 8 months after my A levels... AND IT SUCKS BECAUSE THERE IS A SUPER ACCESSIBLE COMPUTER RIGHT HERE. Left with my last major paper on Monday then paper 1s! May I have perseverance to last throughout these last 2 weeks. My papers were all pretty screwed la, please stop asking about them. I'm trying to be optimistic. Cheers.

(this is a super high post)

Fats.

2011-11-17T01:23:00.003+08:00

So fat.

But I'm gna start running those flabs off from tomorrow. Srsly can't stand being so unfit and knowing that my heart will one day stop working like before too soon. Also, all my life I've always thought that weight gain for girls is actually acceptable, as long as you be yourself in other words eat what you love. Totally false. I think this world is too judgmental and I, who used to be not unaffected by body image is growing to be pretty self conscious now. Sigh. The world... Anyways I need to be fit! Hate how exams are just transforming us into fat accumulating robots! I need a stronger heart.

I am pretty numb towards the papers being thrown in my face one after another. It makes things much worse when people talk about it. I srsly hate it. That was kinda why I regretted logging into Twitter on my Mac. I really love-hate Twitter.

Insomnia

2011-11-16T01:54:00.001+08:00

OMG PLEASE LET ME SLEEP I NEED TO SLEEP PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE I NEED TO SURVIVE THE 2 PAPERS LATER SLEEP SLEEP SLEEP PLEASE.

Econs econs econs

2011-11-14T20:42:00.001+08:00

I tossed the book into the bin without much thought. Later that day, I took it out to read those old memories including the days when band was my life. I recorded every single thing I practiced everyday. Time flies... To me SYF seemed like a few weeks ago thing. Or even muse. So much can happen in 4 months.

"I'll sell your memory, for £1500, but you can keep the bad days~~~"

Sat at Starbucks for 8 hours today in an attempt to cram econs but I still can't memorize shit! Really hate my memory capacity, it's like pea-sized compared to Ernest's... Argh. I am so dumb hate this hate this hate this. The same barista asked why I always look so tired when I asked for extra coffee again. Sigh.

I can't wait for As to end! I decided to repaint my room after clearing it. I guess I'll spend the first few days after 1st dec on it. (no more BKK T_T) Then I'm flying off and when I'm back on 19 EVERYBODY PLS ASK ME OUT BECAUSE I START WORKING ON 2 JAN! ESPECIALLY XMAS PERIOD GUYS NERDS CAN WE HAVE ANOTHER XMAS GATHERING? I miss Darryl so much can't believe the last time I met him was last Christmas walao eh. I MISS ALL MY FRIENDS! Okay time for econs + dosage of muse :)

Understanding.

2011-11-13T14:09:00.001+08:00

"I know how you feel. It's okay."

All I really wanted was someone who would go through the anxiety and struggle with me. To understand my pain. To know how I feel. To make an effort to find out what's wrong. And then empathize with me. Not simply reassure me that everything's gonna be fine. You can make it. Miracles will happen. You'll be okay. It's not that bad. Everyone someone says that to me, I know he/she doesn't understand me.

Sigh.

A levels have killed me the first week and the stress I'm facing for Econs and especially Chem P2 this week is indescribable. I don't know how I'm going to continue to motivate myself after doing horribly papers after papers. People aren't helping me when they fret over loss marks countable by both hands. I don't wish to talk to such people because they'll only make me feel worse. Especially when they're (more) obviously still gna do pretty well or at least fine. And so I have nobody to talk to about how I feel. Only my blog and hopefully everyone is too busy with exams to read this space. Srsly guys, I can't take all these shit. I'm sorry I'm so lousy k?

On another note, I've been listening to all my Muse albums again and I realise that I still love Origin of Symmetry the most. It's been 10 years and the music is still plain amazing. (hooked onto New Born like crazy #%^*?!$&) I particularly love the older songs by Muse. MUSE IS THE BEST BAND EVER ON EARTH. They're keeping me sane. Wish I could put up an amazing video of one of their songs which I have on my phone but... 1st December bitches, wait for me.

Taking a step back.

2011-11-12T14:04:00.001+08:00

I officially have zero tolerance for you. I don't even wish to engage in a conversation with you. I've tried to just let go of everything and put up with you. You know. Be compassionate. Now it's just too much I can't take it. It's either I take a step back or I punch you in the face.

Isn't it funny that I am able to tell exactly what is happening in lives of people whom I don't usually belong in and clueless about the ones I spend my life watching out for?

Muse has been keeping me sane since I started crying in the rain earlier this morning, drenched. It was retarded. Can't stop crying over life. Matt's voice... *love*

Holy mother.

2011-11-11T23:51:00.001+08:00

Unfuckingbelievable.

Went to Starbucks today for triple expresso shots. The barista said I won't be able to sleep tonight. I'm going to bed now. So tired~

Pain is temporary, scars are forever.

2011-11-10T01:26:00.002+08:00

A major decision.

2011-11-09T18:21:00.001+08:00

Feeling a little less depressed after making my decision to not further my studies known to my parents... And they didn't object to it.

Yes I've decided to not go to a uni. I know it sounds damn stupid, like, where am I supposed to go now? Highest qualification, A levels? I used to think maybe getting into any course as long as I make it to a local U, it doesn't matter. I just need to a degree to survive in life. Isn't it? But then again rethinking my decisions, will I truly be happy getting into something like... Nursing? Which I have zero interest in? Or going into SIM and doing the same thing over and over and over again? I've also struggled with myself, because I feel like I'm definitely not cut out for studying, and that is prolly the main reason why JC life had been so tough for me. So maybe life wouldn't be any much better if I even make it into a uni. I really should've gone to a poly and pursue what I really wanted. Right now with my future dashed, my dreams are no longer in sight and all I want is for myself to be happy? Struggling so much internally, struggling to do well in studies, struggling to even keep up with the pace of life has brought me so much sadness and depression. What do I really want to do in life? It's just starting. First, is to not study anymore. (freak I'm never gna get married since guys hate stupid girls BUT WHATEVER)

Aiya of course I will still mug my ass off for this A levels, these 2 years of hardship have got to prove that I'm at least something (or am I not?) Math paper tomorrow! Screw bio and chem! Didn't even know why I chose H2 Bio srsly biggest regret of my JC life (and H1 econs). Wished I could just swap them.

Chem P3

2011-11-08T17:59:00.001+08:00

... What the fuck.

12 hours.

2011-11-08T01:21:00.001+08:00

Fuck I'm suddenly crying like shit now and I can't stop. This battle hasn't even started and I'm already defeated by my inner demon.

This is it II

2011-11-07T08:58:00.002+08:00

I miss my friends... I want to meet them everyday.

Ok. So tomorrow marks the start of everything that determines what my life would become in future. It's kinda unfair that all past achievements (if I actually had some that I'm proud of) don't matter but just... this. I remembered tweeting "this is it, tomorrow is everything." 2 years ago before my first paper. Dejavu. Well, this is really, it.

My dream school.

2011-11-06T23:52:00.002+08:00

Giving myself about 15 mins for this post... I feel like I need to release these thoughts somewhere, and I would wanna look back at this post if I somehow wish to feel regret once more in future.

I made an impromptu decision to study with KC at NUS today. I really loved the campus. I love the school. Stepping into its grounds felt so surreal; I tried imagined walking in the same way as a student of NUS. But I knew it was impossible. I can never make it in. To me, it's kinda like a dream. Right now honestly I just wanna get into a local uni, wouldn't mind NTU at all, and SMU if I simply don't have a choice. Local uni, is it that hard to ask for?

Thinking back about NUS, I realised that this little part within me has always regarded getting into NUS a dream. A goal in life. When I was P2, the teacher who left me the greatest impression was also the first to leave. 杜老师. She told me to work hard to get into RV high, then study Chinese in NUS. I went home and told my dad about it. He said, yes, you should aim to get into NUS. You must think it's silly, talking about Uni when you're barely 10? Looking back, I realised they weren't so silly anymore.

In my whole primary school life I've always dreamt about being a chinese reporter (ya, k, surprising huh). I joined the school's news station, took part in all sorts of chinese-related competitions, during my holidays I would film myself reporting the news (and then re-enacting scenes, interviewing MYSELF, my sis and all). I called my news station 虎城内外 because I loved tigers (mediacorp's one was called 狮城内外 LOL). IT WAS EPIC, I know. I guess it was also under my dad's influence because he's chinese-speaking and thus always extremely concerned about my chinese grades. I really loved chinese. I remembered flipping through my primary school report book and my grades were "2 1 2" for all semesters. Band 1 in chinese and nothing else. It was my only goal in life.

When I stepped into secondary school, I realised that the distinction, the A* all didn't matter because, so many people out there were much stronger, much better than I am. I started failing Higher Chinese in sec 3 and was extremely demoralized. I know people said it was normal to fail once you stepped into secondary school. But after failing HCL again and again and ultimately a B3 for chinese, I gave up. I know right, I am such a coward. I keep thinking like maybe I'm just not cut out for this, because I'm afraid. I'm always afraid, I don't know of what and why I am so. I'd completely forgotten about NUS.

In sec 4 I decided I have passion in pharmacy science. L1R4 of 11 was my then goal. Pharmacy science in NP. Of course after that a lot of factors popped up but still I really wanted to study pharmaceuticals because I seem to be interested in drugs and all. Even though I was never good at chem. Stepping into a JC was talking a different path to the same goal I guess. I took Bio because it was a pre-requisite for pharmaceutical science in NUS. (and struggling right now ha ha ha) I told myself, ok take H3 pharmaceutical chem in J2. I was serious about it.

But again and again, the minor or major setbacks (they don't matter) put me down again and I was giving up again. I simply submitted to the fact that maybe I'm just NOT good enough... Just not as capable. Just useless. So I stopped trying. I was like, ok you can't even pass chem, just drop the whole pharmacy science idea. People asked me, "what do you wanna study in uni?" "oh, USED TO BE pharmaceutical science, now I don't know what." I was basically goal-less.

Now, what do I really want to do? I don't know.

Sky painting.

2011-11-05T21:53:00.002+08:00

Haven't seen a pretty sky in ages.

Do or die. Literally.

2011-11-05T02:45:00.000+08:00

Letting reality knock me down. Then run me over like a truck. Prepping for 'A's just felt like SYF all over again. Or 2011. Such an emotional roller coaster. I've been crying everyday for the past few weeks but in order to not waste time wiping those tears I let them fall on my work, smudge my ink. It's like going through all the events in 2011 that have landed me in the state I am right now... hopeless. But all these pain I've gone through ultimately boils down to the next 20 odd days, where my fate lies entirely on them.

Used to be a little afraid of being alone. The crazy thoughts that float to my mind during those unearthly hours, they scare me. I felt lost with my parents overseas while I'm struggling to stay calm 3 days before my first paper. But I guess, I've always been stronger on my own. Sure enough, when someone packs his/her bag and leave my life, being the brittle me I become crushed. Only when I start to pick up the little pieces of what's left of me do I realise how much stronger I've become.

Kk done with GP. Hopefully the time spent will be worth it. Gonna catch some sleep and wake up to some horror Chem and Bio. HANG IN THERE MATESSSSSS (O's ended today karma's here to bite me because 2 years ago I pitied those JC peeps after Os)

Me, too.

2011-11-03T23:42:00.000+08:00

You decided to walk into my life once again to tell me you're doing perfectly fine. Me too. I'm doing great. But who am I kidding? Just myself.

Why does everyone get to piss on me? Throw me around like a doll. Sure, go ahead. It doesn't hurt at all.

Differences between O and A Levels

2011-11-02T15:10:00.000+08:00

O levels are much easier. A levels (duh).
O levels span over 3 weeks max? A levels last for a month.
O levels do not consider ultra smart IP students. A levels = fighting with people from HCI RJ and all the smarty pants :'(
O levels offer alternative paths i.e. choosing a poly etc. A levels... Either you get into a Uni, or not.
The subjects at O levels allow compensation. (if you get B3 for something you may choose your A1 subject to make up your L1R5) If you don't get the perfect grade (A) for a subject at A levels, nothing else can save it. Okay maybe Uni points? Still.
Last minute studying works for Os. Not As.
O levels determine the future possibilities you may choose in your life. A levels determine your life and future.

All I want is just grades to get me into local uni. Is that too much to ask for?

Noises.

2011-11-01T23:24:00.001+08:00

There are 2 types of sounds (or rather noise) which I absolutely cannot stand and they drive me mad. 1. Construction work. 2. Vacuum cleaner.
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2011-10-29T22:29:00.003+08:00

让你发光的不是钻石，而是你曾经哭过的眼睛。
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Tragic

2011-10-28T10:43:00.002+08:00

THIS MADE ME TEAR :'(

Buddha bless bangkok.

So the trip to bkk with gliked seems pretty much, cancelled? I'm not really affected actually, because I was mentally prepared for it even months ago. Even since I first told my dad about our trip and he discouraged me from going... And being the rebellious me, I obviously went ahead with my friends rather than listen to my dad. To be honest, planning for the trip was a total bitch, sometimes I nearly wanted to flare up but I kept them in. When everything was finally settled I was SO relieved, but I realised that during the planning process I've entirely lost myself. I was so disgusted with myself. I should've controlled my emotions better.

Just recently I found out that my dad didn't want to fight with me, so he simply let me decide on my own instead of stopping me from booking the air tickets. Every single time you try to do something for the sake of something greater, when you've finally realised what is lost, you're nothing but speechless.

Yes I'm not very affected by the cancellation of the trip because I've already prepared myself for this disappointment... But the current situation in Thailand makes me tear every now and then when I read the papers or watch the news about it. The damage is like... If I was living in Bangkok right now I'm not even sure if I can take all these blows. Maybe I will just drown myself in the flood water or something. Ha ha. #prayingforbangkok. I hate natural disasters or even worse, terrorist attacks :'(

I still hope that gliked can go somewhere else together though. Srsly :(

Okay my last post before A levels which is in 11 days. Wish me luck and strength to survive this ordeal. I'm currently numb to the fear and depression I face everyday. Bring it on.
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Eye crisis

2011-10-28T00:55:00.005+08:00

Decided to take a break from chem and I was pretty bored so I took some pics of myself...

(pardon my ugliness I already tried to crop as much of my face as possible)
WTF NOOOO
I showed this pic to my sis and even she went "omg." My natural smoky eyes. And yes you'd never believe it, 2 weeks of fringe-less days made my lose my side parting. T_T

A LEVELS YOU BLOODY PIECE OF SHIT ROBBING MY YOUTH AND BEAUTY (if I even had one to begin with)
This proves my point that models who graduate from JC are either naturally smart (so they don't study much late at night) or are just naturally blessed with no eyebags and eye circles. Either way it tells me how unfair life is.
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At Starbucks

2011-10-26T12:05:00.002+08:00

#1: I scare little kids by talking to them.
#2: I am a little shy to offer help to strangers who need them, making myself look like a selfish person.
#3: I am extremely shy when talking to pretty girls.
#4: I absolutely love friendly people, especially them baristas.
#5: Smiling to others makes me happy.
#6: I am pretty good at staring now. (I can stare at the person to make him/her look away) I guess it's a bad thing?
#7: I SRSLY cannot wait for the day where I can sit on the sofa and just read a book or listen to music to come (like after promos)
#8: I met a kind woman.
#9: I was really kind to that kind woman.

It was a beautiful morning. Good deeds cheer me up a little.
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Poison.

2011-10-24T22:58:00.001+08:00

10.58pm.
Coffee in my tumbler.
Hatred in their eyes.
Hurt in her laughter.
Tears in his cries.
Anger in her words.
Curiosity in his head.
The feelings spread like poison.
It was all around the house. And I was engulfed.

A million thoughts running through my head, pounding on the ground like soldiers on horses.
My mind is a battlefield.
Sometimes I just wished for a little peace.
No typing volume.
No operating fan.
No little fountain playing a little sound.
No relationships, no human beings.
No screams. No shouts.
No laughs. No cries.
No light. No pens.
No workload. No stress.
No sound of water. No twirling mess.
No noise in my head. No enticing voice.
No nothing.

What do they know, what do they see.
What do they feel, what do they mean.
What do they want, what do they say.
What do they yearn for, what should delay.

What is found when nothing was ever lost to begin with?
What is love when nothing was ever loved?
What is dead when nothing died in the first place?
What is pretty when it was never ever perfect?
What is brilliant when all you had was the worst?
What is life, if you've never lived?
Things aren't as easy they think they are.

I could only weep silently to myself.

Which is worse?

2011-10-21T01:44:00.001+08:00

When it is dark, there is loneliness.
When there is loneliness, I hear silence.
When there is silence, I hear noise.
When there is noise, I hear a voice.
She says, "I can't."
And she keeps repeating it until tears come streaming down her face.

What are you doing

2011-10-18T14:00:00.001+08:00

So every fucking thing on this earth is my fucking fault is it are you done with my life can you stop screwing up all this shit I've tried to fix get the fuck out of my life you aren't even real so stop living in me
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When everyone's gone.

2011-10-16T23:16:00.000+08:00

Bro out with girlfriend. Sis out with boyfriend. Parents are overseas.

I took Jean out for dinner and bought her ice-cream. We had a chat about her results and some other stuff. She's seriously the scholar of our family and now I don't blame my parents spending more time on her than on me. Profitable investment. I guess if you compare me to her, I'm like... nothing. It's the sad truth.

"Holding on to anger is like grasping a hot coal with the intent of throwing it at someone else; you are the one who gets burned."
So, this is from Buddha to the current me who gets fuming mad easily... Srsly I think I've changed. I've become less patient, less compromising, less giving in. I've also become more indifferent, towards relationships/friendships I used to hold on to, other people's feelings and even my own feelings. I'm just a changed person now; it's quite scary when you actually realise you've changed yourself. Still trying...

OK so I was really excited about collecting my shots taken by the Holga, but guess what?
ALL THE SHOTS TURNED OUT SO EFFING HORRIBLE
I can't even describe how shitty I am feeling right now! Was really looking forward to uploading the photos but NONE of them actually looks fine! I don't even wanna look at it now. WASTED ALL MY MONEY and now I have no photos from last day of school. Still have a few Vivitar shots to develop *crosses fingers* please do not be a disappointment!

I picked out a few decent ones (THREE, actually) but don't even expect anything because even these were shit! ARGH THIS IS DRIVING ME MAD

CHEERS.

I don't care enough anymore.

2011-10-16T02:17:00.001+08:00

Can't wait for my suicide mission during the whole of December. Hurray. I'll be so busy I won't be able to feel anything else.

So maybe the stress is causing me not care about a single shit on this earth. Good and bad thing. But the bad > good because this lasts forever. Forever is nothing. Nothing to me at least.
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"Unbelievable."

2011-10-15T02:20:00.000+08:00

Sometimes I don't wanna think at all. Don't wanna feel, don't wanna be. Just be a long time dead.

WHAT THE EFF

2011-10-14T09:16:00.002+08:00

Really hate myself, my life, and everything that's in it. Nothing at all is going right! SOMEBODY BURN ME BURN MY HOUSE BURN THE WORLD KNNBCCB
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Feeling

2011-10-14T01:38:00.000+08:00

Tried to put that feeling away. Guess it's always been buried in me for the longest of time. She cannot let it out, she cannot contain, for the pain either way kills her silently.

Can't wait to develop film shots taken by the holga and vivitar during these last 2 days in school. Hope everything turns out fine.

(old shot) I like how "danger-keep out" was unintentionally printed across my face.

Baccalaureate

2011-10-13T16:50:00.007+08:00

So at long last, it's the end of my JC life. It's the end of my official schooling days as a student in uniform, in classes, with teachers and classmates. It's the end of my blue "ti-ti" sound ez-link card of which everyone immediately recognises you as a student. It's the end of being under supervision of adults, restricted by rules and being limited by just simply... what you can't be.

Honestly, I am feeling neither happy nor sad. Maybe a bit of both. These 2 years of my life have been the WORST; I seriously think that in future (if I have one) when I am faced with some shit in life I can think of 2010 and 2011 and feel better instantly. Life has never been worse, life will never be as bad, or at least I hope. But then ironically, all the adults tell us that the best days of your life are those of you being a student. Studying. Schooling. And when you step into the adult work life things will be really different. Maybe. But I take comfort in the fact that throughout these 2 crazy years, I couldn't ask for better company, friends, classmates, CCA mates. I couldn't ask for a better bunch of companions always there for me, supporting me, encouraging me, or even just going through all the craziness of life together with me. Life throws me unbearable stuff to handle, but these people take them away, carry them with me.

So I'm really thankful, for everyone this 2010-2011. Even though it's been a bad year, I couldn't have made it without you guys.

Everytime I close my eyes,

2011-10-11T23:14:00.001+08:00

... they flood.

Things I would like to change about myself if I could:

2011-10-10T04:38:00.000+08:00

1. Not pour out all my troubles to a somebody in my life. I realize that every time I get closer to a friend I tell that person everything about my life, deepest, darkest secrets I've never ever told anyone. Which is so bad and I regret doing so every single time. Guess I need to learn to shut up a little sometimes.

2. Not be afraid of asking someone who owes me money to pay me back. Right now I can think of a list of names of people who owe me money (not just the 2 bucks 5 bucks kind) and I just don't have the balls to ask them to pay me back. Hoping that they can magically remember to return me the money.

3. Be less hot tempered. (for these few days)

4. Be less emotionally affected by things. Less easily angered/sad.

Counter's officially hit TWO. Time is going to fly so fucking fast. Right now I'll have to 1, be normal. 2, study. 3, go for A levels.
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Voice.

2011-10-09T06:45:00.000+08:00

Thought I wasn't afraid anymore.

Bubble of sadness

2011-10-08T23:16:00.002+08:00

"Hoo hoo. Hoo hoo."

KC IS BACK!

Today was a mega unproductive day. On a lighter note, I felt like I was with the full nerd gang tonight because I met CL, WL and KC, talked to Devy on the phone, and sent Darryl a "fuck you". Oops.
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Symptoms

2011-10-08T00:38:00.001+08:00

• Forgetting recent events or conversations
• Difficulty performing more than one task at a time
• Difficulty solving problems
• Taking longer to perform more difficult activities
• Language problems, such as trouble finding the name of familiar objects
• Misplacing items
• Getting lost on familiar routes
• Personality changes and loss of social skills
• Losing interest in things previously enjoyed, flat mood
• Difficulty performing tasks that take some thought, but used to come easily, such as balancing a checkbook, playing complex games (such as bridge), and learning new information or routines
• Forgetting details about current events
• Forgetting events in your own life history, losing awareness of who you are
• Change in sleep patterns, often waking up at night
• Difficulty reading or writing
• Poor judgment and loss of ability to recognize danger
• Using the wrong word, mispronouncing words, speaking in confusing sentences
• Withdrawing from social contact
• Having hallucinations, arguments, striking out, and violent behavior
• Having memories of conversations that never happened; illusions
• Having delusions, depression, agitation
• Difficulty doing basic tasks, such as preparing meals, choosing proper clothing, and driving

Whatevs. When it's time for me to go, I'll go. Nothing to be scared of.
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Oohlala it's 33 days to A levels

2011-10-06T03:40:00.003+08:00

This bloodtypes twitter account is really accurate; I find myself constantly relating to the tweets and feeling a little happy cause it feels like someone on this earth actually understands you. According to your blood type... yea. It sounds pretty insane but right now everyone takes me for a crazy person so I've been trying to act normal and I've succeeded.

I'm stronger on my own. Happier, bolder, more powerful... Maybe I should keep it this way but how do I distance myself from people when my friends mean the world to me? Right now my family is so screwed up people don't see it and THEY don't see it - which shows just how screwed up it really is. I really hate it when people see things on the surface. It's too shallow. "What's wrong with your family????" Nah prolly nothing much going on you're just being a whiny bitch exaggerating about stuff. You wanna take a peek at what's happening everyday of my life?
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Mountain ocean sun

2011-10-04T05:08:00.006+08:00

This picture looks too good.

I didn't eat much for dinner but my stomach's feeling bloated for some strange reasons. It's exactly 5 weeks to A levels; I now feel more relieved than scared that time is passing so quickly. I really want this to end asap because I'm believing that I will be back to normal again after this ordeal. (60 days to the end) Hopefully all these insanity I'm going through are just the result of stress, but then again this is life and shit never ends...

The tiredness I'm experiencing is beyond imagination. I feel like I can fall into deep sleep for a few years. I don't even have to think of what I should study later/tomorrow whenever I take a nap because I'd be asleep by then. Anyway I've come to realize that I should think all the time. Whenever I'm not thinking of something (like a math question or some shit) sadness automatically floods my head. It's like reflex. On Sunday I sat at Starbucks for 7 hours straight just thinking about chemistry the whole time. While I was waiting for my bus home I decided to just clear my thoughts of studying and when I didn't think for a few seconds I started tearing. What kind of reflex action is this? I'm so mentally retarded. Sigh ok so I'm convinced that I should always think of something. And I guess that is why I'm always so (mentally) drained.

7 more official days of school left. Shall bring my camera these few days to capture last moments in school (and also last uniform memories). I think I'll miss wearing the school uniform. The hassle of thinking of what to wear everyday and the fear of being judged based on what you're wearing is just such a turn off. I'm imagining the judgmental adult world already.

Things I'm currently looking forward to:
1. Saturday study sessions (sibilant alliteration) with WL and CL because WL IS LIKE THE NICEST GUY FRIEND I WILL EVER HAVE IN MY LIFE SRSLY.
2. KC to be back in SG on Thursday cause I miss her and we can book our Taiwan trip!
3. A levels to end
4. BKK trip with JC peeps! So excited I can't even describe it.

Aiya yknow what, just point 3.

Sian omg stared at the Mos burger picture ^ for another 10 seconds and I now have a huge craving for it.

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残酷的世界

2011-10-02T03:06:00.001+08:00

一位女士伸出援手，帮助一个自己最痛恨的人
一位男人不断地鼓励她，却是个伪君子，心里满怀着对朋友们的怨恨
一个曾经是她最亲近的人，如今竟和她保持一段距离
一个事事为她着想的好友，曾经心心相印；如今犹如两位陌生人
一个选择向她倾诉的朋友，如今把他相似肩膀上的灰尘一样，打打两下，不翼而飞
一个最要好的朋友，事事都向他请求建议的好伙伴也有焦虑的时候
一个再怎么伟大的母亲，把男孩当作掌上明珠，女儿们却相似垃圾，就连一丝的崇拜也消失不见了
一位父亲，就为了芝麻小事埋怨女儿，后悔、遗憾自己的孩子
一位女孩；永恒的悲伤，一直以来都被自己的作祟当囚犯，她仍然被困，疲惫苍老。

有些东西一旦失去后，你怎么渴望拥有它也是枉然的。

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I dream of dreaming

2011-10-01T03:27:00.002+08:00

All I really wanted was someone who would tell me that it's alright to not be perfect. That I don't have to be. But that's not really possible isn't it? I'm not even asking to be perfect. I'm just asking to be normal. Can anybody see me? Even if it seems like I have everybody, I am still alone. And she's right I am always alone and there's no way out of this. Nobody can help me when it's all in my head. The noises, the thoughts... Nobody can remove them.

I wished life was simple.

Finally gotten hold of my passport secretly. Operation run-away-from-home is now real. I can do it anytime now. All they have to do is, try me.
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I came home to this

2011-09-28T20:06:00.002+08:00

"Senior counsellor Jonathan Siew, from Care Corner Counselling Centre, told The New Paper that when a person repeatedly says he is going to commit suicide, family members around them can sometimes switch off.
'Their loved ones sometimes switch off after a while when the suicidal person keeps talking about it over and over again,' said Mr Siew.
'They might be initially supportive but when they find it hard to make the person happy despite their efforts, they can feel burdened and pressured and want to avoid talking about things.'
He said that family members should approach counsellors for help instead of brushing off their loved ones."

The whole fucking world is reading my mind! What is this???

People ask me why I refuse to sleep (which I do, just very little) Reasons:
1. When I try to drift to sleep I have suicidal thoughts and I hear voices (whereas if I tire myself out I just sleep without thinking)
2. I love the peace at wee hours in the morning with nobody to disturb me.
3. I am stupid so I need to study more than anyone else on this earth to make up for my stupidity (which evidently isn't enough, sigh)
4. I am trying to make my body break down bit by bit by itself
5. When I am tired in school I can pretend that I'm alright in front of people so that they won't think that I'm a crazy bitch.
6. When I'm tired I'm forced to not feel anything so basically I'm numb. Which is good because any mental or physical pain I experience is PAINLESS
7. When I'm tired I don't have to think much so there's basically nothing in my head (back to point 1)

You may choose to believe this, or not.

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What if there's more?

2011-09-28T02:29:00.001+08:00

I'm not afraid of death. I have nobody with me too. Nobody's here with me. I am alone. I've always been alone. I will still be alone.
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x2

2011-09-27T22:26:00.001+08:00

The things I do for the sake of friendship. I am quite proud of myself; I've never thought that I would have the patience and tolerance to bring myself this far in this situation. Not that I'm bragging. But it's just so unlike me to hold no grudges, no anger, no strength to stand up for myself. Maybe I am just tired. Too tired to even try to make myself feel a little better. Haha kk not talking about it here since all of a sudden it seems like EVERYBODY READS THIS MONOLOGUE OF MINE.

Hi BFF! I miss ya.
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Compromise

2011-09-26T19:48:00.001+08:00

...something I've learnt today. Always learn to compromise. Flaring up isn't gonna solve anything. Being insistent about something others dislike isn't gonna make things right too. Compromise. Because some things are just much more important than these silly little ideas you try to put across. People are more important to me than anything else.

During my 4 years in GESS, I've never shed a single tear in front of anybody. But here I am, breaking down during classes after classes, over setbacks after setbacks, in front of friends after friends, meeting teachers after teachers. Perhaps life has already held me in its palms and crushed me entirely. They say when you're at your lowest point in life, the only way out is up. "Life is only going to get better." But I say, the only way out is down. Waiting...
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4 in the morning thoughts

2011-09-26T04:34:00.001+08:00

Conflicts are inevitable.
I've realized, because everyone think differently, have different opinions and more importantly, different definition of what's precious to them. I guess what is precious to me is... how well I get along with people. And it's extremely scary when conflicts happen because it goes to show just how vulnerable people relationships are. They fall apart easily. Just like life.

It's easy to be ignorant. It's easier to pretend to be ignorant.
Most would beg to differ, but this happens for me. I guess I'm just happier pretending. Pretending I'm alright. I'm happy. I'm actually positive thinking! I'm actually not that suicidal. I'm fine la. It's when I stop pretending that you know how I can't contain it any longer - when life holds me in its hands and crushes me like a paper. Pretending is the other way round; me crushing my own life in my hands when it's actually a blade of knife.

When people ask me, "what's wrong with your life now?" I can't answer them. Because everything is so on-the-surface, people don't look into it deep enough. "Everything." That is because what you see, what things appear to be isn't reality. Sometimes I just can tell what's happening. What's going through your mind. Beware.

So, you reading my blog, you think I'm not that strong afterall don't you?
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This week.

2011-09-25T20:00:00.004+08:00

Bits & pieces of this week:

A photo a day.
I am still patiently waiting to be magically cured. For the day where I stop hearing things that I don't wish to hear. For the person in my mind to disappear. For my days to get better, if they are even gonna get better. 44 days to A levels. Cheers.
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Where do I begin

2011-09-24T22:23:00.002+08:00

Nobody actually knows what exactly has happened/is happening in my life. Nobody. I didn't tell no one. And I'm keeping it that way. You may choose to cut me open one day.
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2011-09-22T23:23:00.001+08:00

I just met him. He's a she. I must be crazy. It scared me to tears.
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I'm weak.

2011-09-22T04:48:00.001+08:00

I used to be much stronger. Much more independent. I used to be the one telling people to not give up. To hold on to the end. Telling people to cheer up. Motivating them. Things will be okay. Now I am so weak. I can't fight them. Can't fight the thoughts. Can't fight myself. Can't fight A levels. I'm still alone. I'm always alone. I've crumbled into... Nothing. I'm pathetic. You prolly think I am too. And mad.

End

2011-09-18T22:33:00.002+08:00

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Devil

2011-09-18T00:48:00.001+08:00

He's like, punishing me because I refused to die. I refused to be weak. And now he's taking everyone and everything away from me and I'm all alone. He knows that when I'm alone I succumb to death and he's forcing me to become weak again. He wouldn't let me be strong enough to block him off my mind. And now he's really making my life a miserable hellhole that death seems to be a better option and he took away everybody so nobody is going to stop me. I wished he'd leave me alone. But now he's really left me alone, without anybody by my side and so I die alone.

Prelims results

2011-09-17T10:21:00.001+08:00

The food and prayer ministry of our school provides dinner during the period nearing promos and A levels. It's a really wonderful thing to do; parents prepare these food willingly to keep us going when we stay back in school to study. :') The food is pretty good.

So yesterday we got back our prelim results, all of them. I don't know why the school likes to release our results for promos and prelims this way, maybe they were trying to save us from blows after blows. But still the feeling is very overwhelming when you receive one paper after another, the marks you see is plain demoralizing.

I think draining the energy outta me worked, though. I couldn't feel anything because my mind was so tired. I didn't even wanna calculate my marks upon 100 because it's just too tiring to do so. I couldn't think, feel, nor plan ahead. I just wanted to go home. I couldn't even cry. I didn't even have the energy for my face to cringe into a frown. I just felt really numb.

I went home to an empty house and I loved it. Then I slept with my lights on. When I woke up at 6.40am this morning, I immediately felt everything crushing down on me. It's as if it all accumulated inside me from 2.30pm all the way to the next day but I didn't express it. It was a really horrible feeling. I started crying and I fell asleep again. I woke up and cried again.

It's ironic how I'm lending others these broken hands of mine.

2011-09-16T04:37:00.001+08:00

This is driving me crazy. Everyday I go to school pretending that I'm alright. I act normally. But sometimes it's really hard to fight the voice constantly tormenting me in my head. I feel like screaming to people around me asking them to help me but there's nothing they can do. It tells me how I'm worthy of death. I end up sobbing to myself. Death death death death death.

It's 4.30am and I'm wide awake. I know I will regret it in school but that's the whole point. Prelims result release. I don't wanna feel anything because, I've already felt enough. Way more than enough maybe. Failed chem, average for bio, prolly scraped through or failed math, most prolly gonna fail GP and econs. Tell me how to pass A levels, I told my mum yesterday morning. Then I went to my room and cried. Tell me why I'm even so dumb. Tell me. Tell me to die. Tell me everything devil's telling me. Tell me to go to hell. Just tell me. I will totally do it when I'm weak. I'm not scared of death. Maybe I won't be scared of what will happen after death too.

Fucking mental

2011-09-13T19:44:00.000+08:00

I was in my room and the tears wouldn't stop flowing. I tried to make them stop by covering my mouth with tissue bits and what's left of my death box but the small gasps of air I took were not enough to sustain my hyperventilation I ended up choking. I tried to breathe, choked and coughed and I tried again. There was no way I could breathe through my nose because there was no space for air when everything else were simply gushing out. I fainted with my arms wide stretched and when I woke up I was bleeding but while I was still slightly conscious, I saw 2 guys sitting down discussing serious issues and I continued to mutter silently under my breath they gotta stop, they gotta... I cried and panted and hyperventilated once more and passed out while my arm was still burning on fire. I woke up with my nose blocked, my hair damp on my left and my room brightly lit and realized that it wasn't a dream and that my blood had dried up. I thought I was lying in a large pool of blood and the walls were all smeared with the smell of iron; but looks like nothing happened. My room looked like it never moved a single bit besides the smudged ink on my book, the uncapped pen and the dried up soup bowl. It was morning. My death box was scribbled with desperate words of suicide and I couldn't even remember anything. I tried to blink but my eyes stung so bad - as if someone rubbed some fucking chilli powder in them. They were swollen as hell but still looked pretty normal like the usual size of my eyes. He stopped talking to me, stopped whispering into my ears beckoning for me to follow him.
I passed out last night, and I met devil.

Fucked up shit

2011-09-12T20:20:00.001+08:00

WAHHHHHHHHHHHH
Feeling so frustrated I can jump off a cliff!

Seriously this is the worst feeling you can ever get and NOTHING CAN BEAT THIS. Save me save me save me I think I can never ever get over this crap! So tempted to text my dad to ask him to make me feel better, but I guess, he wouldn't understand even if I'd explained it to him. Should I be glad or what?

BUT SERIOUSLY THIS SHIT IS EATING ME FROM THE INSIDE AND I CAN'T STOP IT!

Status quo

2011-09-11T02:31:00.006+08:00

Okay my body clock is VERY SCREWED UP. Slept at 5 this morning, woke up at 9 and it's 2.30am I'm up doing complex numbers when I'm supposed to study chemistry for a test tomorrow and I gotta be up at 7. Screwed up priorities, screwed up body clock, screwed up life. What's new?

Anyway this was the reason why I slept at 5am this morning. Had a moon gazing chatting session with Cui Ling downstairs. It was absolutely great - mooncakes, tea, slightly chilly breeze by the pool, talking about anything under the stars. I haven't done this in a long time, think the last time we chatted till the wee hours in the morning was... After O levels? I also found myself laughing so hard and getting so agitated over the slightest of matters, because we both knew each other so well, it feels like I totally get what you mean for every sentence she says. :)

The holidays are also coming to a close tomorrow, at the same time my parents and Jean Low are gonna be back from their short vacation. End of my "royal" life here in my kingdom. For the past few days I've been embracing the empty home with open arms. The freedom... Is perfect. I wore a long tee around the house without being judged. Boiled mushrooms and washed the dishes. Blasted sad songs on the speakers. Danced around the dining table like it's a dance hall. Misplaced my house keys. Cried out loud. Stuck my head outta the window. Fell asleep on the sofa. I can surely get used to this.

Something I accomplished this holidays: packed my room! I declare it a therapeutic activity. No pictures cause I can't make up my mind where exactly to start taking from - the newly added photos stuck on my wall? The new arrangement of my electronic stuff? The blackboard counting down to A levels? Rows of polaroids cleared away? A sleeping corner by the window? Or simply the removal of my mattress? I don't know. But I'm too scared to face the fact about being back in school tomorrow, or the fact that hell is just getting worse now.

I rarely take self portraits la and when I do I don't usually keep them but oh well, these are to show 3 things: #1 feeling frustrated and sad over the fact that the number of fine lines have doubled under both my eyes! #2 I am needing another haircut to keep my hair short and at shoulder length. #3 I really hate life. K fine no link ok?

I am queen of this place.

2011-09-09T13:30:00.001+08:00

I need to get out of this fucking house. The more I stay here all alone, with the 4 walls closing in on me, the more I am drowned in these thoughts which are driving me to my fucking death. I am not afraid of death, but lately I think I'm actually afraid of what happens after death. Will be it be worse than my life right now? Because currently my life is an indescribable hell already. Yet I don't want to meet anyone, don't wanna see people, don't want the light to be shining down on my hair. I don't wanna see anything other than what I see from my window. I like curling up into a small ball, my body pressed against the cold hard wall and feel safe. Walls make me feel safe. Or maybe my face laid against the wood, warm and hard, with music blasting in my ears. Feel the tears find their way out. It stings but I love it so much. I can't keep up with this for long. You know how ironic this whole thing sounds.

Fly

2011-09-08T02:37:00.002+08:00

No matter how hard I try, it gets nowhere.

Sperry's and H&M

2011-09-02T22:20:00.001+08:00

My sperrys' virgin day out :) birthday gift from gliked!

I always thought that shoes are the hardest things to give for birthdays. At least for me. I think it's because I spend a lot of time considering buying a pair of shoes before I even buy it. Sometimes I feel like it could be just love at first sight, and after looking for a longer period of time I actually don't really want to buy them anymore.

Apparently Daphne and Grace have been tricking me into telling them my preferences in shoes and my size. I found it odd that they were asking some questions and talking about my shoes but I didn't give much thought to it. Turns out they bought me a pair of Sperry's!

It was the exact design I've been eyeing but just no moolah to think deeper and I was convinced that it was just impulsive. I was so happy! When I first saw that pair of Sperry's I'd imagined myself pairing them with my ultimate favourite pair of H&M jeans (^). So I did today :)

Speaking of H&M, they are gonna be in town tomorrow. Everybody has been complaining about my unhappiness of H&M coming into Singapore because they don't understand why I'm so against it. I'm not unhappy, rather I'm sad! Okay so I found the something in today's Urban and it describes how I feel:

"What will we do now that we won't be able to come home bearing triumphant trophies that make us envy of friends?"

It's just saddening because I'm in love with H&M and the thrill of getting their overseas will be gone in about a few hours' time. It's the excitement I get when I step into a H&M store overseas (I meant like, really GOING BIMBOTIC CRAZY) that is affecting me at the moment - because it's gonna be over soon :'(

So, I've been spending the past few days wearing H&M clothes before the streets get flooded with their shopping bags - I can totally visualize it and it's scaring me. I still have some under-worn dresses hiding in my closet. I wanna be a happy girl in Spain/Germany or even HK whining over every single piece of clothing in H&M again :( it's like Uniqlo! I don't get that excitement anymore.

On a lighter note, I can't wait to shop! ^^

It's September

2011-09-01T19:56:00.002+08:00

Went back to GESS today, and on the bus back I was feeling so darn emotional I almost broke down. Meeting up with your ex-classmates, hanging out back in the old 4H classroom, looking at the school compound which hasn't changed a bit (except for minor ones here and there), meeting your old teachers (and being forgotten), being called "seniors" of the school... All these ultimately boils down to how growing older is really inevitable and life goes on. That overwhelming feeling... I guess that was what contributed to my emotional moment.

I know it's silly because obviously I don't wanna grow up and face the truth that I'm 18, that I need to be more matured, that I need to put down the past and move on. But the indescribable feeling you get when you know things WILL eventually change as you grow older. Just like how human relationships have changed for me over time. Well, I'm just glad that there are still people I know I can count on when facing this crazy world. 4H will always be a part of them :)

Goal for September: working hard isn't enough, work harder, lyn.

Socialising

2011-09-01T01:45:00.000+08:00

Nude nails :)

Celebrated Eileen's birthday today and had a small gathering with 4H peeps before KC and Harris fly off :( It was a great catch up session! Especially with people like Ryan, Edward and Joony. I feel like I haven't seen them since forever. Shi Jie too! Life is good. But then again, back to reality as soon as I got home... I hate life.

Drowning all my sorrows in alcohol. I need to kick this habit asap.

Love will make you beautiful.

2011-08-30T23:58:00.003+08:00

Today I was faced with a lot of contradictions within myself. It's as if I'm fighting against myself for something but I don't know what. I'm just feeling rather frustrated.

"I will accept him for who he is, even if he's changed."
Last night I was talking to Zuriel on the phone. This particular sentence which he said struck me even until now. That was because I was telling him how much people have changed and I said "I don't care anymore", because honestly I am very tired of being thrown around like a toy. Everyone treats me that way. But after what Zuriel said to me I felt really guilty and ashamed of myself. What gives me the right to think that I have not changed, and that people are still caring about me? It is just unfair isn't it? Why am I so selfish? I am questioning myself all the time. "People will change, so you just have to accept them." Can't believe my junior made me feel like the worst crap on earth by simply saying that :/ But I've got him to thank.

But do I get to be upset? Do I get to be anyone else but me?

Even though I am trying to move on and really change how I feel towards a different person, it isn't as easy as it sounds. Especially if that person really meant something to you. Right now I don't even know if I'm the changed one - okay if that is so, I prolly have to accept what I've become. All I know is I've grown so out of control, so unfamiliar that I don't feel like I am myself, why I do certain things. (Ayu will know because we're too similar) You can't just treat me like trash okay? That isn't how friends treat one another. Anyway I don't think we're friends right now, because friends don't do this shit to one another. Period.

All these most prolly contributed to the reasons why I helped Jean Low with her birthday party invitation cards and even with the stupid stamps which require much patience and time. Even my brother said I was running a fever. Yet, deep down I know exactly the reason why I'm acting/feeling so saint-like.

Confused little happiness

2011-08-29T22:29:00.002+08:00

This is how the inside of the cake Ernest baked looks like. Yes there are 6 freaking layers! Omg much patience and time needed - kk shall stop all these praise about Ernie but I'm just really thankful okay :')

Today wasn't very productive. I really wish to keep up with the pace. I need help and motivation! Anyway MBS looks amazing! Okay I'm pretty slow but I'm gonna wait for a chance to step in and drown myself in its beauty.

Music is therapeutic. Speaking of therapeutic, I really wanna go Bali at the end of this year *prays* come on come on come on!